▶ Your Answer : Nowadays, it is undeniable that we are conducting a lot of(informal) many experiment with animals. There are some controversy based on this. Some say it is brutal to use animals when the experiment is done whilst others assert that it is necessary to be evil . In this essay, I will examine both views with my opinion. (Bad transition sentence) We have to consider the negative sides of the experiment with animals. Firstly, it is so cold-blooded inhuman/brutal to use the natural lives. Every living creature has their own aim in the nature, which is the absolute reason why we should save their lives. We should kill everything around us even like flies, roaches,mosquitoes.<(???? 우리 주변에 모든것을 죽어야한다고 말씀하고계세요) They have to be respected as living things. Secondly, tests done by on animals is not a the correct answer if we think of the (eternal sight)??. Scientists and we have to try hard to find out the a new way to experiment.<(이 문장은 자칫하면 동물한테 연구하는 방법을 새로 찻아야한다 라고 reader가 생각할수있어요)For instance, much like our highly developed society, micro dogs or artificial rats could be alternatives. Likewise, to not not to kill animals,scientific solution(??) should be considered.
Nevertheless, we cannot discount the fact that when animals are used for the experiments, we can get enormous positive effects. To begin with, think about the medicines we are taking now. They result from the tests by on animals. Unless this kind of the test is done, how we can we get medicines and how we can be cured easily? Thanks to the animals, people gain these benefits without any sacrifice. Furthermore, more people have been using medical resources which save a lot of many patients suffering form severe disease. This means it is not cruel to use animals to experiment. It is just how we develop the technology for human. Also, through the conducts in laboratory, we can help other animals with proved medicines by injecting(injecting what?) to the animals that have illness.
To sum up, in spite of negative facts, we should not overlook the positive facts from using animals as matter of experiment whilst the side effects should be adjusted through the effort mentioned above.
Score: 5 Comment: 일단 몇몇 문장은 의미가 헷갈리게 들리거나 말하고 왔던거와 반대입니다. 또한 transition하는데 연습을 하시면 좋을실거같아요. 아직은 organization이 깔끔한 느낌이 아니에요. 문법이랑 spelling도 틀리시지 않도록 주의해주세요. 전체적으로 에세이가 informal 하게 들립니다. 쓰시는 단어나 tone이 informal해요. 조금더 formal 한 단어들과 표현들을 공부하시면 좋을거같아요.
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