▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays, the decreasing of people's health
level is the one of the biggest issues in around the world. Hence, respective
governments have tried to raise the public health level by several ways such as
setting up more sports facilities. So in this essay, I will further discuss if this
way is actually able to lead to affect positively the public health positively. <(질문은 discuss both views 입니다)
Despite the encouragement of the government like
building the local sports centres, many people still think the other methods
should be designed in order to increase the public health. For example, people
consider that prohibiting smoking is absolutely more important and effective
than increasing the hours of people's exercise. So the government has been
suggested to legislate strictly against smoking such as increasing tax of
cigarettes. <(which government? is this for all governments? 문단 내용에 improvement가 필요합니다. 또한 topic sentence을 보면은 이 문단 순서는 다음 문단 뒤에 나오는게 맞습니다) On the other hand, it is believed that the
more sports facilities there are, the more possibility people will try to exercise
to improve their health. The Playing sports is the best way to improve the
public health because it is more attractive, which means that people keep doing
it as a habit. In this point of the view, exercise might influence greater than
another methods. In
my opinion, there is, however, still a problem in order to make progress in the
health level by increasing sports facilities. For instance, those facilities
built are not suitable for the current young generation, particularly workers, since the majority of the built sport centres or another facilities are
normally located in a residential neighbourhoods, not commercial neighbourhoods
which most of young people spend their time, even whole day. To encourage people to use those facilities effectively, it should be built near the companies so that
they are able to use it easier meanwhile they are working.
In
conclusion, even if there are pros and cons about the influence of building
more sports facilities, I am convinced that if the government alleviates the
mere drawbacks of the current system, it will be the best way to lead to raise the
public health level without any doubt.
Score: 5 Comment: unorganized and needs more development. 내용상 질문을 잘 대답해주고 있지 않습니다. 아이디어는 있는데 complete 하게 서술이 되어 있지 않습니다. 또한 discuss both views이기 때문에 한 관점을 sport facility가 많을 수록 public health가 increase가 되는 최고의 방법이다 라는 것을 서술해주셔야하고 다른 한 관점에서는 sport facility외에 다른 것을 해야 public health를 increase해야한다를 서술 해주셔야합니다. 그리고 글쓴이의 주장을 conclusion에 써주시면 됩니다. 문법상 문장 구상에 신경을 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 조금 informal하게 들리거나 register가 조금 낮게 들리는 경우가 있습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |