▶ Your Answer :
Over 80 percent of young people
are willing to get dress fashionable wears, and the fashion industries
are increasingly growing. Because of this, nowadays old people nowadays also find the clothes which look nice
to others. <(Need a better thesis statement) (내용 연결이 잘 안됩니다) This issue that many a lot of people,
including young children adolescents, employees, some elderly people and
even infants, wear trendy clothes is probably
the globalization worked as one of the reasons
people want to be more fashionable.<(little unclear.
rephrase하시는 것을 추천합니다) From
many years ago, we could watch western films and
TV shows, and it was widely spread to countries
all over the world. By seeing celebrities from the media such as singers, movie
stars and models, they wear unique dresses which are not usual for average
people. The clothes may attract others, especially younger people and they
start to look for the fashionable wears and get them to wear. This can
be led to increase their
feelings same as the stars <???) and
feel more confident around from others
who may look at them with being envy. <(전체적으로 문단의
coherence에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) (Need better transition) Although, most people
think it<(what is it?) does not affect somebody
in a negative way., I do think this can
bring negative impacts on some people. For
certain people, they could come across the peer-group pressure in the
public areas as others wear good looking clothes. However, the clothes can be
expensive and some people cannot afford to buy
for them to wear. Moreover, everyone tries to wear popular items, but it can be
look all the same as the others which mean they encounter others who
wear identical clothes. This would bring the loss of personal preference and
identity as probably they probably push
themselves to purchase trendy clothes when they go out, and this will be stressful for certain people. In conclusion, anyone can wear
fashionable clothes as they like to do. However, if they want to buy clothes even though they do not want
to <(unclear), it is not a good thing.
<(질문데 대한 답을 다시 한번 정리를 해줘서 concluding해주시면
좋을 것 같습니다) Score: 6
Comment: 질문에 대한
답은 fair하다고 생각합니다. 다만 전체적으로 글정리가
필요합니다. 글 정리를 하시면서 coherence/clarity에도
신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 어색한 문장구조가 일부 있습니다. 어순이나 표현 그리고 specificity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면
될 것 같습니다. 또한 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 introduction과 conclusion에 improvement가 조금 필요합니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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