▶ Your Answer : There is an argument about the universities should offer the programs for students to learn what they need at work. In my view, these skills might be useful but the universities do not need to give it.<(그렇다면 글쓴이가 생각하시는 university의 main function이 무엇인지 밝혀주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) Some insist that as learning common skills for work is beneficial and advantageous for students, the universities should teach them. Generally, nowadays by using computers at many workplaces, some skills have been used quite often such as editing documents and using the Excel program, thus, if students are already good at these, they would be more competitive than other people who do not know. Along with this, there is no boundary any more between countries anymore because the world has been globalized, hence, someone needs to be skilled in their field for getting a job. In particular Especially, many students have a problem to do have an interview because they are not familiar with this process, thus some universities already offer the interview programs. For example, some of them make these programs compulsory for students to increase the rate of the employees. <(글쓰이의 의견을 묻고 있는 질문에 다른 사람들의 의견을 전달해주시면 좋지 않습니다) However, in my opinion, the universities should only teach the course which students choose. First of all, the timetable of students is already full, hence if they have to attend more courses, they might not be able to handle them. Furthermore, by changing the role of the universities as a vocational training center at the moment, many students seem to be unsatisfied about their courses and universities with the changes in the role of the universities as a vocational training center at the moment. For instance, in the case of sociology courses, around 10 percent of students have decided to quit their course due to the behavior of the universities.<(unclear/ what do you mean?) Lastly, even if students get a job, there is no point to go to a university, if they did not learn what they wanted at university.<(elaborate) In conclusion, there are several opinions about that the universities should offer the programs for getting a job. Personally, I believe other ways would be more effective than this solution.<(what other ways? what is this a solution of ? 마지막 문장이 조금 off topic 하게 들립니다)
Score: 6.5 Comment: Introduction에는 질문에 대한 글쓴이의 의견을 조금 더 clarify 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 두 관점에 대한 내용이 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 두 번째 문단의 경우 다른 사람의 의견이 아닌 글쓴이의 의견을 써주셨어야합니다. 글쓴이의 의견을 묻는 질문에는 다른 사람의 의견을 써주시면 좋지 않습니다. 또한 이해가 잘 안되는 문장이 있습니다. 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 문법상 collocation에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |