▶ Your Answer :
Frankly, each person has some golden periods in one’s life time and there are some who believe that the period might be one’s twenties. However, I strongly believe that the most important period is one’s sixties because of plentiful time, money and well organized thoughts.
To begin with, most of the twenties are too busy with choosing their careers and they are not wealthy enough to enjoy their lives or challenge for something new. For a>> the와 a의 차이는 우선 여기선 그 사람이 어떤 사람인지 특정한 사람인가요 불특정한 사람인지 생각해보시면 불특정한 누군가입니다 불특정한 것을 가리킬 땐 a 특정한 것을 가리키거나 독자 화자 모두가 아는 사항을 말하면 the입니다 꼭 구분해주시길 바랍니다 person who is in important period should be manifestly supported by money and time so that they can discover and plan their own future. According to a report by the Washington Citizens Foundation, seniors were better in accomplishing the things that they have planned because they had adequate amount of money and time. Also Furthermore, their satisfactory in their lives were much higher than twenties as well. As the example shows, twenties cannot be the most important period because of money and time to try for something they really long for.
In addition, the young do not possess any of useful experience, which means they are not ready to explore the world with the proper thoughts. On the other hand, seniors obviously have well developed knowledge which is useful and helpful to start their real life that they have wanted for the whole 50years. From my personal experience, my grandfather is a successful old man in his business field nowadays, while he had a big failure in his business when he was 25 years old. He had a hard time for a long time and he made an enterprise at age sixty which is now a successful and well known >> 가운데 -빼주세요 company throughout the world. It was an experience that he has accumulated for a long time which brought him a fame and a strong company.
In conclusion, I do strongly believe that twenties are not the most important period in one’s life.
본론 1까지만 봐서는 약 6.5 정도 나올 듯 싶었지만
본론 2의 예시를 섞은 부분이 주제와 긴밀히 연결돼 정말 좋았습니다
잔 실수만 줄이신다면 더욱 높은 점수 기대하실 수 있을 듯 싶지만
본론 1까지 봐서는 주제에 따라서 점수가 많이 왔다갔다 하실 수 있을 듯 하니
견고하게 본론 구성해주시길 바랍니다
Task Achievement - 8
Coherence and Cohesion - 7
Lexical Resource - 6
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
7.0 예상합니다
|