▶ Your Answer :
Many students
are educated to be better than others, rather than to cooperate with other
schoolchild for a common interest. This essay will argue the disadvantages of
this outweigh the benefits. The essay will first describe drawbacks that this way
of education could cause the weakness in team work and a decrease of
productivity in work environment, followed by the advantage of this method contains
dangerous side effects. <(Can improve)
This education
method to beat in competition disrupts to adjust in team work environment. In
modern days, since most almost work fields account for teams that need
collaboration.<(sentence fragment) The ability to work together smoothly is very important in
society. For instance, to create smart phone applications, designers, planners
and engineers have to communicate smoothly and cooperate together. If someone
wanted to be better than other specialized workers, the person will a disrupter
to success for the business. Additionally, the competitive environment is not
helpful to improve productive <(productive what?). Because it causes stress and this negative
emotion make people exhausted and not to concentrate.<(sentence fragment. 앞에 있는 문장과 콤마로 연걸해서 하나의 문장으로 와야합니다) For example, The Samsung which
is a major company in Korea, estimate workers in relative evaluation.<(unclear and sounds irrelevant) Thus, the
company is ranked in a top five 5 of unproductive companies. <(내용이 wordy하게 들리고 too explanatory하게 들리기 때문에 clear하지 않고 헷갈리게 들리는 부분이 많습니다. 또한 내용 정리가 잘 안되어있습니다.)
On the other
hand, being better than others could give pupils a sense of superiority and
achievement. However, it could cause students to lose from student losing a sense of empathy and
being selfish and unfair person. For example, few students cheat in exams or
competition to just win. <(need to elaborate more. 위 문단과 내용 길이를 balance해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
In conclusion,
the fact that learning to work together is more important is because of the benefits
of productively working in a team compared to the advantage that students feel superiority
of being better than others.
Score: 6 Comment: 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. Body a문단의 길이는 조금 더 balance를 해주시고 두 번째 문단을 조금 더 summarize해주시고 clarity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 콤마를 쓰시후 대문자를 쓰시는 경우가 있으십니다. 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |