▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays, many authorities contend that it is better for young generation to start learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. I think the advantages of learning a second language at primary school outweigh the disadvantages because of two reasons.
First of all, learning a foreign language is the sooner the better. This is because the young can learn faster than the old. Primary school students are more flexible to accept a new language such as grammar or vocabulary than secondary school students. According to a research from the UK, children are much faster to learn a second language and adjust to them. It means primary students are more adaptable to learn a foreign language than secondary students. <(repetitive. 앞 두 문장과 같은 내용입니다) Therefore, learning a second language should begin at primary school rather than secondary school.
Moreover, secondary school students are too busy to learn a foreign language in their classes. This is because there are more important subjects they have had to learn, such as math, science or history. <Need better coherence/cohesion> Secondary students usually start to prepare for examinations to enroll in a for enrolling university for their further studies. Learning a foreign language is a the second choice to them. For example, in South Korea, many students prefer to study major subjects rather than a foreign language in their free time. Because most Korean universities check their math or science scores more than a foreign language skills.<(sentence fragment. 앞문장과 콤마로 연결해서 같이 와야하는 clause입니다) Thus, it is obvious to begin learning a foreign language at primary school is better for children than secondary school.
To conclude, there are several advantages to learn a foreign language at primary school. As I mentioned in this essay, learning a foreign language should be taught at primary school, because the advantages of this outweighs the disadvantages. <(Can improve. thesis statement를 restate해주시는 것 보다 에세이의 내용을 가지고 concluding을 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 A나 B 같은 이유 때문에 primary school 때부터 외국어를 배우는게 더 advantageous하다 라고 해주실 수 있습니다)
Score: 6 Comment: 글쓴이의 주장에 대한 이유/support가 좋다고 합니다. 다만 두 번째 문단의 경우 repetitive한 내용이 있습니다. Repetitive한 내용에 주의 해주시고 문단의 주제를 충분히 서술 해주시기를 바랍니다. 세 번째 문단의 경우 coherence/cohesion이 부족합니다. Coherence이나 cohesion이 부족하면 내용 연결성이 떨어지기 때문에 흐름이 어색하게 들릴 수도 있습니다. 문법상 크게 문제가 되는 곳은 없어 보입니다. Silly mistakes에 주의를 해주시면 될 것 같습니다. 에세이를 쓰신 후 꼭 proofreading을 해주시기를 바랍니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |