▶ Your Answer :
No matter how rich countries are, have poor people exist, and each nation has different methods to help the poor. I think the that characteristics of capitalism and tax evasion are the major reasons why low-income people suffer from poverty. Fortunately there are suitable solutions to finish these vicious situations. <(finish a situation는 틀린 collocation입니다)
First of all, although the country is wealthy, all people are not rich. There are many causes why this situation has occurred. Most of rich countries are capitalists and we should well know well of the characteristics of capitalism. Capitalism has characteristics that money makes much bigger money. It means that the rich have more possibilities to earn massive money than poor people as time passes. (문언가를 listing을 해주고 있지 않기 때문에 finally라는 cohesion는 어울리지 않습니다)>Finally, low-income people have had difficulty been hard to overcome the poverty. In addition, people who have power and great money earn enormous money by using various illegal methods. Many rich people commit tax evasion and corruptions to great vast funds. <(corruptions to vast funds라는 표현이 어색합니다) These illegal situations make the poor feel hopelessness and then their will would be broken. <(what will?) (문단에 두 이유에 대한 내용량을 balance를 더 맞춰주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
In spite of all the problems, there are also suitable solutions to solve this vicious circle. The government should adjust the tax law by the as rate of income. High tax rate should apply to the rich and people who suffer from poverty should have lower tax rates adapt for low tax rate to encourage their overcoming. However, first, there is a necessity necessary to make public all people’s asset transparently <(??) in order to apply suitable tax laws and end finish tax evasion. <내용 연결이 안되고 있습니다> Therefore, common people should try to share good information and abilities such as providing consulting the financial accounting information for the of poor people. Moreover One more, when the poor face the hardships, we need to try to cooperate with overcoming their difficulties and to comfort with warm wards. <(우리는 그들이 어려움을 벗어나는것에 대해 cooperate해야한다 라는 것은 어색하게 들립니다)
In conclusion, it is clear that there are various problems that the poor continually suffer due to low or no income from few money,. Thus, also the government and individuals need to try doing the above solutions in order to tackle the problem the phenomenon.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 이해가 잘 안되는 표현이나 collocation이 틀리거나 틀린 표현을 많이 쓰시고 있씁니다. 문장구성과 표현에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |