▶ Your Answer :
In modern society, some people assert that family members have the most effect on children's development. However others think children's surrounding environment is much more important than family, because they are always around children. This essay will outline both these views and present some reasons. On the one hand, some people believe family members have significant effect on children's development. Especially when they are young, they spend most of their time with their parents. During that time, they can learn language and life styles from their parents so they take after their parents naturally. It is a well known fact that parents' personality and education seriously affect seriously to their children. On the other hand, some assert that children's surrounding circumstances are more important. This is because, parents these days are so busy, so many children spend much more time with their teachers and peers. Moreover, they do many activities with them. At that time they can improve their cooperation and social skills which can affect on their personality. The research conducted by Korean National University illustrates that the age group of children from 9 to 16 is more influenced by their surrounding environment that their family. As they grow up, they can learn and be affected from their surroundingㄴ. Overall, when children grow up, they can be influenced by their surrounding environment. They can learn many things from them, such as social skills and cooperation. Therefore parents should care about that and should focus on children's surrounding environment, such as teachers and friends. <(what about parent's affect on children? 또한 글쓴이의 의견의 clarity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. )
Score: 6 Comment: 잘 서술해주셨습니다. 다만 전체적으로 coherence가 조금 부족합니다. 또한 더 다양하고 formal한 표현을 쓰시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |