The increasing rate of older people have extended on a global scale for a long time. In this way, this phenomenon provoked a lot of problems unexpectedly. In this essay, I will introduce some maladies and argue solutions.
Unlike in the past, a conflict could emerge in anywhere due to the gap between senior citizen and younger people. Young generation appeal about the difficulties to difficulty about communication in communication with older people. It seems clearly that the aging problem will overload misunderstandings of opinion on each side each opinions. Moreover, the government has to review their policies, since spending enormous money on the welfare and health care related to older people could be national debt. Usually, in that the The elderly people could exist out of labor force, respective nations do not finish to guarantee economical support. (이 문장은 살짝 꼬인 것 같은데 의도하신 바를 댓글로 주시면 확인하고 답변 드리겠습니다!)
To solve these problems, at first, people should try to recover lower fertility rates. Most women could feel a burden when planning to have babies (일단 문법만 바꿔드리면 이렇게 되는데, 여기는 굳이 여성으로 한정지을 필요는 없을 것 같습니다. 물론 여성 쪽의 부담이 상대적으로 더 크겠지만, 남성이 아예 부담을 갖지 않는 것은 아니라서요.) Almost woman could feel burden that is having babies. Consequently, the government should make diversity diverse legislations about the care of the baby. When circumstances which are suitable for nourishing their children can be invented, a massive number of people could hope to be parents. (여기에서는 새로운 흐름의 내용이 시작되니까 이에 맞게 연결어 사용 등을 통해서 조금 깔끔하게 이어주시는 게 좋습니다.) While people think the figure of unemployment for younger people serious, they tend to miss the importance of getting a job for older people. The inflow of work helps the elderly people to acquire the chance that they can interchange their thinking with young generation.
As we can see, aging society could have bad effects (이 문제에 대해서도 짧게 요약해주세요~) on the world. The government should consider practical policy connected with birth rate. And (문장을 and but so 로 시잘해서는 안 됩니다.) social institutions try to hire older people owing to better communication.
총평: (6/6/7/6) 6.5
6.5이긴 하나, 문법이 불안불안한 편이고, task 1까지 고려해서 보면 실전에서는 6.0으로 떨어질 확률도 꽤 있습니다. 그러므로 시험 전까지 문법은 꾸준히 학습해주시고, 절대로 복잡하고 화려한 문장을 만드는데에 집착하실 필요는 없으니까 정확성에 조금 더 초점을 두어주세요! 수고하셨습니다 :)