▶ Your Answer : One of the most favored jobs in today's society would be a sports star player >> sports star가 직업은 아닙니다. Some of successful sports professionals are rewarded an exponential astronomical amount of money with huge fame for their endeavor for many years. One part of society concerns about this phenomenon, Many people maintain that other professions need to be more treated rather than sports stars athletes, whereas others does not. In this essay, I will look over both sides of view and express my own opinion.
First of all, people who advocate the extraordinary fortune for sports professions might think it is a proper compensation for their effort. The Some transcendent players get almost all pieces of a pie >> get 동사 피해주시구요 all pieces of a pie 등의 관용구들은 쓰지 말아주세요 pie가 어떤걸 의미하나요? 그걸 직접 단어로 쓰셔야 합니다 and others should be satisfied with the rest of it. In other words, only the prominent competitors survive in the sports world, therefore so they have to make a huge effort to strengthen their physical capacity and enhance professional skills through severe training for a long time even though there is no coverage that their effort must be rewarded >> 글이 너무 길어지게 되네요. Moreover, their job span is quiet shorter than other professions. Considering sport is highly risk-taking sphere field, proponents of sports stars think they deserve the delicious fruit wealth.
On the other hand, the opposite side of society insists opposers state that there are an ocean of other important spheres such as science or medicine which are directly connected to health, development and social safety, >> 또 관용구가 사용됐네요 문장은 여기서 끊어서 진행하는게 좋겠습니다 then it does not make any sense to treat sports stars more than others >> 처음의 문장이 너무 깁니다. For example, the amount of money should be justified by the importance of their task or the rate of contribution to social interest than fame or popularity. In this context, if righteous paying is not realized, it might demoralize other professions and interfere better work. >> 이 빨간 부분을 다듬어서 돈의 분배에 관한 주장으로 내세우고 설명에는 기여와 정의에 따른 righteous paying 이 필요하다 예시에는 어떤 법률을 제정하는 것을 예로 들거나 할 수도 있겠네요
In conclusion, from my own point of view, in democratic society, we cannot regulate the amount of money they legitimately earn legitimately no matter how much it is since It is neither illegal nor forced. However, I agree that there is definitely an impartial aspect, so it should be settled through sports professions' voluntary donation or regular social service. >> opinion은 본론에 설명과 예시에 넣을 수 있습니다 그게 본인의 의견들이니까요 결론에선 최대한 글 전체를 정리하는게 좋구요 (서론을 페러프레이즈하면 글 전체의 내용을 다루는 것이겠죠)
위에 지적사항들 써드렸구요 관용구 부분만 고쳐주시면 큰 문제가 없는 글인 듯 싶습니다
Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다 |