▶ Your Answer :
Due to development of technologies, mobile
phones can be found everywhere and we cannot live without it. Mobile phones
became a parts of our lives and we heavily rely on its use. <Need better coherence> The risk of
mortality rates will be increase since people are do not aware of dangers while
they are looking at the phone in public places. Even though many governments tried to
reduce these rates by placed warning sign of mobile phones in public areas, it
has no impact to society. Therefore, in my humble opinion, banning would be the
only option. (Need better transition) People are using excessive amount of time
using on mobile phones. This is a serious
problem, because they are using it in public places where there are a potential
risks such as where there are cars and trains. People can easily face the danger of walking into
the vehicle lanes because the use of mobile phones. This could mean that they are focusing too much on the phone that they do not realise with their surroundings situation. In the case of one of incidents occurred in Europe, there was a massive killing happened inside of the train
cars due to passengers were concentrating on the phones too much that they were did and not being aware of their surroundings. From this example, we can see that
because people have focused on the mobile phones that they do not know the
serious dangers around them. <(내용을 banning mobile phones in public places와 연결을 조금 시켜주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) Since the use of mobile phones in public
places are becoming a serious issue, the government has used several approaches
to steps to prevent any further tragic accidents. Some countries have has posted of
warning signs for people to be aware of the dangers using mobile phones. Other
countries have placed stand-by police officers around the potential dangerous
areas such as cross-over walks and cliffs, trying to prevent the accidents in
advance. However, the governmental proposals have no impact on society.
Therefore, by banning the use of mobile phone seems to be the only possible
solutions to prevent the tragic accident. In conclusion, mobile phone using in public
place is increasing and the mortality rate related to this is also increasing. Even
if the government tried many approaches to stop people falling into an
accident, it did not work. Therefore, I believe that the only way to solve this
issue is could be done by banning the phone use in public places.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 질문에 대한 내용이 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 전체적으로 글 정리가 필요합니다. 문법상 표현/문장구조/어순/collocation에 틀리시고 계십니다. 문법에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |