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People in nowadays seem to concern about their health more than in the past. It makes them to examine where they should live, city or countryside, as it is fact that surroundings affect to people`s health. (1. 이따 본론 첫 번째 문단과 관련해서도, 총평에서 비슷한 말씀을 드릴 건데, 지금 countryside 는 전혀 논점의 대상이 아닙니다. 자세한 건 총평에서 확인해주세요~2. 서론에서는 이 글을 통해 내가 어떤 말을 하고자하는지 대략 소개할 수 있어야 합니다. 여기의 경우 '대도시에 사는 것은 건강에 악영향을 끼친다.' 정도가 되겠고요. 지금 서론은 논제와의 적합성도 문제이지만, 서론의 역할, 즉 글의 전개를 구체적으로 예고하는 것을 수행하고 있지 못한다는 점에서도 문제가 있습니다.)
In the countryside or outskirt, we can get both mental and physical benefits for several reasons. First of all, there are less pollution than in the middle of the big city. Especially, there are few industries and vehicles than in the big city. It makes our body can hold it`s health. Besides, there are less noise and lights at the night in the countryside. We can hear the birds in the morning and owls in the night. That is the most important advantages from lining in the countryside, namely nature. Usually living in the countryside means living near the forest ot the mountains. Owing to this, we can feel nature easily. Nature has calming power, and heals our mental and physical wounds. (여기는 매우 중요한 사항인데, 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다. 참고로 calming power 등 쓰인 표현들 자체는 꽤 좋았어요. 내용에 문제가 있다는 점이 아쉽지만요.)
However, in the big city, there are numerous factories and cars that emit air pollutants such as sulfur oxides and nitro oxides, which finally turning turns into the fine particles. (미세먼지 때문에 죽겠습니다...살려주세요ㅠㅠ) Besides, there are too many people in the city nowadays, which makes it hard for citizens to easily rest in a relaxing environment that makes us cannot easily be relaxed. It is fact that in the big city, we people can be in hurry even if there is a park in the city. Furthermore, there are many harmful chemical substances in the new buildings.
In conclusion, I do agree with the statement that living in big cities like cosmopolitan such as Seoul and New York is not good for our mental and physical health.
지난번에 방향을 너무 어렵게 잡아서 다시 썼습니다 ^^;; https://www.gohackers.com/?c=ielts/ielts_info2/ielts_writing&p=2&type=url&uid=472006
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