<All the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the
<All the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?>
number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?>
In the modern society, some nations have a bigger portion of young generation compared to old generation and it would bring significant benefits to society. Although it also might cause detrimental effects on society, the positive effets of this phenomenon outweight the negative ones.
To begin with, it is evident that the workforce can
be more powerful as the number of young people increased in the society. Because
of their strong physical strength, they can devote to the society in various
ways. For example, some countries are having a problem of that finding good
workforce in diverse industries since the countries have a low birth rate in
these years. In those countries, it is commonly seen that young people from different
countries migrate came to the nations to work as foreign workers. For young people, it
is would be decent opportunities to have work experience in other countries and it is a win-win solution.
Moreover, the economic effects can be one of the benefits to society as it could allow many young people to consume various products in many industries. For example, young people are more likely to follow social trends of fashion, cosmetic and even entertaiment field. It means that the companies can make more profits by selling more goods to more people. There could be possibly a problem of old generation since they could be marginalized by not getting any attentions from society, however, it can be solved by allocating resources from nations due to the developed economic situation. (장점을 제시한 것 자체는 괜찮습니다만, 엄밀히 따지면 논제의 outweigh 가 보이지 않기 때문에 수정이 필요하긴 합니다. 여기는 총평에서 링크를 하나 넣어드릴게요.)
To sum up, although it is obvious that old people might be isolated from job opportunities and basic social services because young people accounted for bigger part of society, I belive that the advantages of having increased young people outweigh the disadvantages because of economic benefits and getting workforce.
총평: (6/6/6/6) 6.0
최소 목표치인 6.0-5 정도에는 크게 문제 없는 사항이라 저도 참고용 정도로만 말씀드리는데, outweigh 유형에서는 말 그대로 outweigh 를 보일 수 있어야 합니다. 즉, 현재 글의 경우 장점이 단점을 어떻게 '상쇄' 하는지를 보일 수 있어야 하는 것이죠. 이에 대해서는 잘 쓰인 글을 하나 예시로 넣어드릴테니 참고해보세요! (참고 정도만 해보시면 됩니다. 어차피 7점 이상 필요하신 게 아닌 이상 너무 크게 작용하는 사항은 아니라...) 수고하셨습니다 :)
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