안녕하세요
저번에 첨삭 받았는데 다시 한번 써봤어요. 저번에 모르고 서론을 빼뜨렸네욯ㅎㅎ
감사합니다.
When it comes to how to react to
dissatisfied unsatisfactory situations in life, there is a growing debate over whether people
need to accept the circumstance. Although it could be argued that people should
be satisfied with the fate, I agree with those who insist that people should
struggle to make better situations.
Some argue that people need to stand
obstacles even though people face with problems in life such as lack of money
or unsureness about our job. This is because no one can be sure about a possibility
that future would be upgraded than the current situation. For instance, Julia,
a music teacher in a high school, is tired of students who don not focus on her
lesson. She really wants to stop her career, but there is no other way or
assurance to earn money. On balance, she decides to undergo her life. (사실 과거형으로 쓰는 게 맞긴 합니다. 지금도 크게 문제는 없지만요.) Like this
example, there is a case that making changes looks quite dangerous.
However, I side with the opinion that
doing their (문단에 처음 등장하는 대상이 대명사로 쓰이지 않도록 주의해주세요~) best to make a change is better for paving the way for a dream. First
of all, by seeking for solutions of current existing problems, people can
improve themselves ourselves. To try something new which is in a totally different area
from the current job, it is obvious that people should spend time learning
necessary skills for it and practicing them until they become familiar with it.
In addition, avoiding following the fate and making a try can give them a
chance to live other fascinating life. For example, the woman who dislikes her
current daily life may learn how to sing beautifully and starts to have a show
where she can sing to an audience. If a manger of a famous entertainment
company such like JYP and SM really liked her harmonious and attracting song and
suggested a singer, she could be a singer.
In conclusion, there are convincing arguments both for and against whether people should take an action for better life, but people who encounter and change displeasure in life can grow into better people and give rise to gorgeous life. For these reasons, I am convinced that making efforts to change discontented situations will be a much more proper approach.
총평: 이전 글도 꽤 잘 쓰인 편이라, 이번 글도 일단은 어느정도 점수는 받고 갈 겁니다. 자잘한 부분에만 조금 주의해주시고, task 1 연습도 많이 해주세요~수고하셨습니다 :)