Some people think that children should begin their formal education at a very early age and should spend most of their time studying. Others believe that young children should spend most of their time playing. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Many parents have spent their money to children for education very earlier on these days because of the many positive effects it brings (이런 식으로 자세하고 정확한 서술이 필요합니다.) many positive ways. Meanwhile, some parents assert that children need to get lots of time to play outside instead of studying. In this situation, these two different opinions are able to be supported because of the following reasons.
First of all, some people think spending time with on playing is really helpful proper to young kids since it makes children become more socially developed by hanging out with other young teens. Also, it makes them happier and well-adjusted in their communities. For example, my cousin who chose social activities rather than regular education had a higher level of adjustment in middle school life when he was 14 years old compared to my younger brother who really had liked to do study all day at home. (이렇게 쓰는 건 윗 말을 그대로 반복하는 겁니다. 이 사실에 대한 이유를 붙여주세요~예시 구성하기 어려우시면 그냥 예시 빼고 근거로만 쭉 이으셔도 무방합니다.)
However, there are other people who want their children to study earlier. The reason why they think like that is because beginning to begin formal education early helps kids get a head star in life faster than similar aged-others who are just playing outside. In fact, special talents and distinctive abilities can be identified and nurtured from a young age. For instance, many musicians discovered their musical talents at an early age by their parents' teaching style that parents allow their children spend lots of time to study and practice instead of playing. (공부하는 걸 허락한다~는 일반적으로 자연스럽게 쓰이지 않죠. 공부 대신 노는 걸 허락한다는 자연스럽더라도, 노는 대신 공부하는 걸 허락한다는 상당히 어색합니다. 이를 대신해서 made 등이 들어가야해요.)
To sum up, while it is apparent that playing at the young age is magnificent (문어체에서 그렇게 자연스럽게 쓰이지는 않습니다.) way to raise their kids because it helps build (여기도 서론과 비슷한 맥락에서의 수정으로 보시면 돼요.) of social community skills, I think beginning formal education early is a better way more persuasive argument since teens can find out their amazing talents and improve these things more perfectly when they are young.
총평: (6/6/6/6) 6.0
문법과는 별개로, 서/결론에서 표시해드렸듯이 불완전한 문장들이 보입니다. 예를 들면 결론에 표시해드린 부분을 한국어로 영작했을 때, 'social community skills 때문에~~' 보다는 'social community skills 를 기르는데에 도움이 되기 때문에~' 라고 적는 게 훨씬 깔끔한 문장이 되죠. 이처럼 최대한 정확한 서술을 할 수 있도록 신경써주세요~팁을 드리자면 글을 한번 한국어로 써본 다음에 자가 첨삭을 해보시는 것도 괜찮습니다. 한국어인 글에도 비문이 많으면 그때는 작문 자체가 문제임을 확인할 수 있는 반면, 한국어에는 크게 문제가 없을 경우 그때의 문제는 영어가 되겠죠. 수고하셨습니다 :)