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In the modern society, it is undeniable that various kinds of interaction with each other is possible because of the development of communication methods : e-mail, instant messenger and video telephone based on the Internet. This technology made us not only keep in relationships with people who live far apart from us more easily than before, but also reach information we want to know without any hesitation. In my opinion, however, the rapid and convenient communication between people is not always the function of intimate and deep relationships.
Of course, there are few people to deny the effectiveness of a high-tech communication modes in keeping in touch with others such as a cell phone with various function based on the Internet. Without the electronic device, we cannot help keeping limited relationship eventually, because our work sometimes requires to move to a far off >> 가운데 - 빼주세요 land. Moreover, the pace of communication is increasing, and then, we can receive an instant reply. Before the advent of various electronic devices, we had to call friends that I wanted to invite for some help at least a week before the day. Comparing >> 비교한다고 쓰실 땐 comparing으로 써주세요 to the past, it is true that we can enjoy more convenient life, but it always does not mean positive>> 이 문단에선 장점을 논하니까 장단점 중 하나의 시선으로만 써주세요 이 단락은 부정적인 측면은 아래 문단에서 쓰시는게 좋아요.
We might find, however, the quality of reply is too much superficial. These days, the most significant factor of communication is definitely not the quality such as the depth or details of information in communication, but promptness. Under the pressure to reply as quickly as possible, the virtue such as perseverance or patience is disappearing. We often make a decision without careful considerations.
Moreover, the development of communication technology seems to make more intimate relationship between each other, but it may isolate us from others. Especially with regard to old generation, they should try to learn how to use new devices continuously in order to keep their own relationship and not to be isolated from their community. In younger generation, they cannot imagine the life without electronic devices. Young people without cell phone would experience high levels of anxiety because of isolation. They tend to communicate with someone continuously through accessing text messenger, SNS such as facebook in order to feel a sense of belonging.
In conclusion, the relationship we make is changing due to a host of devices based on new technology, and, thus, our life got more convenient and quicker than the non-technological world >> 비교구문이 있어서 이렇게 써줘도 좋을 듯 싶어요 결론인만큼. However, overusing several devices increases the level of dependence on machine rather than deep human relation.
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하지만 너무 길어서 과연 필기로 쓰는 실제 본 시험에서 가능할 지가 문제가 되겠네요
내용을 줄여서 더 간결하게 쓰셨으면 더 좋겠네요~
Task Achievement - 8
Coherence and Cohesion - 7
Lexical Resource - 7
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 7
7.0예상해요~ 좀더 간결하거나 그래머 실수가 적고 많은 구조를 구사한다면
7.5도 충분히 가능하다고 생각합니다 ! |