▶ Your Answer :
I think buying food which is already cooked is disadvantage detrimental for people. Firstly, it is definitely not good for our health, because it is made it in factory, and we do not know how they made it. Secondly, people have to save money for the other things, not instant food. Lastly, they have to learn how to cook for the future.>> 서론에는 이렇게 작성하시면 안 되고 본인이 글을 어떻게 쓸 것인지 방향을 제시해주는 것입니다 첫째 둘째 이런건 쓰지 않습니다
Firstly, instant food is not good for people’s health because it is made in factory. We do not know what ingredient they used to make these foods. SoThus, it could be unhealthy for our body. If you eat instant food, you can >>if 절의 동사가 현재면 주절의 조동사는 현재가 와야 합니다 easily gain fat and , get catch a cold, and your body would get become weaker and unhealthier.
Secondly, people do not have to waste their money buying instant food. Not even food, they have to save money for other things more important, but instant food is more expensive than normal food such as vegetables.
At last, people have to learn how to cook for health. If people, especially women, want to do the go on a diet, they have to eat vitamin food, such as vegetables and rice, not instant food sold in fast-food restaurant. Also Moreover, for children, it is important for them to eat healthy food for body to grow. Children and teenagers need vitamins. So Therefore, they should not eat instant food.
It could be advantage for busy people. They can save their time for not cooking and buying food and eat in the fastest way. For family, if both parents have to go work, then children can buy instant food and eat. It could be dangerous for them to cook buy themselves.
우선 아카데믹한 글에선 축약형을 쓰면 안 됩니다 it's 나 don't 등이요
it is do not 으로 풀어서 써주시구요
Also So But And Or 다섯 개는 문두에 사용 불가입니다
단어도 다양하게 구사해주시구요
논리도 맞지 않네요 위에 안 좋은 점 열거하다가 결론에 필요하다고 하면 모순이죠
Task Achievement - 5
Coherence and Cohesion - 4
Lexical Resource - 5
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.0 예상합니다 |