▶ Your Answer : There are a lot of opinions on education of talented children. Some people say that the young people who have special potential have to be educated by the government. However, some people argue that it is unfair to many other youngsters who try to be the best in their fields.
In my opinion, it is very important to invest money for on talented children by birth. They can be raised as not only becoming a great person personally, but they can also heighten the dignity of a nation. Therefore, there are worthy of being invested. For example, Asada Mao, who is Japanese figure skating player called a genius, was recognised at her early age, and she recieved a huge amount of money from the government since childhood. Finally, she has become one of the greatest figure skating players. If she did not have any help from Japanese government, she might not be a professional athlete.
On the other hand, there should not be educated for a potential child. For instance, another figure skating player from Korea, Kim Yeon A, has become a world champion, with breaking a world record. She did not gain any investment>> She did not receive any monetary support 이건 어떨까요?, but she struggled to be a professional athlete. Nobody thought she had a talent for figure skating. However, as time goes by, only harsh practice made her a jenius player. Thus, people must should not >> must not 은 법적으로 절대적으로 금지되어야 하는 강한 뜻입니다 judge individuals, when they are young. Their talents might be found ten s of years later from the beginning it.
In conclusion, finding out potential children on a particular field>> 동사가 없네요 완전한 문장이 아닙니다, but people do not have to have a bias on talents. The government or corporations should give chances to develop talents equally. Every person can have the qualification of education they want.
요즘은 계속 지적받는 반복되는 문구 피할려고 노력하고, 주제 벗어나지 않으려고 노력하는데 정말 쉽지 않네요.. ㅠㅠ 단복수랑 관사, 전치사도 너무 어렵구요...
어쨌든.. 요즘 첨삭량이 장난이 아니던데.. 너무 수고하세요~~ 사회공헌하고 계세요~~ ㅎㅎ
감사합니다~~^^
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감사합니다~
믿고 맏겨주시는 것이니 만큼 못 본 척하고 지나갈 수가 없네요 ㅜㅜ
대신 많아서 올리는 날짜 다음 날 첨삭할 수 밖에 없네요
우선은 아쉽지만 논제 이해에서 오류가 있었던 듯 싶습니다
논제는 "재능을 타고나는 애들이 있다" , 하지만 "교육으로 모든 아이들이 좋은 선수가 될 수 있다"
즉 타고난 애들과 타고나지 않고 후천적인 아이들의 비교가 주된 내용을 이뤄야 할 듯 싶습니다
반복은 확실히 줄었네요~ 아니 이번엔 거의 없다고 보셔도 됩니다 살짝 걸리는건 government 정도구요
지금은 연습이니 논제를 읽고 머릿 속으로 생각해보고 개요를 짜보세요 그 시간을 줄여나가서
주제를 보면 바로 떠올리는 것도 연습이고 공부입니다~
Task Achievement - 5
Coherence and Cohesion - 7
Lexical Resource - 6
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다 |