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Clearly, These days, >> 콤마 넣어주세요 no one can ignore the bad influence of TV on mental and physical health of young people created by watching television such as addiction and negative behavior . In this essay, its following reasons will be addressed as follows below.
To begin with, allowing the young to watch freely a television freely is seen to lead to being addicted addiction. >> 여기까지가 주장입니다 which . It is clear that probably will distract concentration on their successful academic achievement obsession with the digital box will interrupt children's academic achievements. For example, while attending a class at school, they will be unable to focus on their study due to addictive programs on television. Furthermore, there are a lot of unpredictable scenes, sensual and violent should be prevented by adults >> ?? sensual 과 violent는 형용산데 어떻게 주어가 되고 앞에 there are 문장과 접속사가 없는데 어떻게 이어지나요 뒤에 콤마 빼주세요, due to which their characteristics can be easily changed to become intense and insensitive to others >> for example 이 나왔으면 예시이고 남은건 정리가 필요한데 furthermore 는 주장입니다 빼주세요.
Secondly, another reason is that sitting in front of a television for a long time may cause some physical problems in posture on their health. It makes kids' sight worsened and results in wearing a glasses at an early age. Also, 문두에 also so and or but은 쓰지 않습니다 noticeably, a few researches have shown that more children than expected >> the number of children has suffered from pain generated by the bad habit.
In conclusion, it is clearly seen that adults should encourage them not to be exposed to television too much, >> 콤마 빼주세요 so as to protect both mentally and physically the children both mentally and physically. In conclusion, for these reasons, I am convinced that being close to television negatively contribute to forming individual character and building relation. But, fortunately these problems are likely to be solved with practical way such as giving time limit toward the young people and letting them know the importance of it. being close to television leads to many issues on young boys and girls such as mental and physical aspects. Therefore, watching too much television should be rceded from kids in terms of aggravating their fitness.
우선 단어가 다양한 것이 좋습니다 어휘를 늘려주시구요 필요없는 부분들이 있습니다 또한 글자수가 250자에서 미달되어 높은 점수는 어렵습니다 부사는 동사 뒤에서 수식합니다 문법도 잘 잡아주시길 바랍니다 어휘보다 문법이 급하구요 논리 부분은 위에 따로 지적한 부분 빼곤 괜찮아 보입니다 결론을 구성할 땐 서론에 쓴 내용을 페러프레이즈 해서 끝내는 것도 좋습니다
Task Achievement - 4 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
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