▶ Your Answer :
It is true that celebrities enjoy their
lives out of media attention and they opted for being in the public spotlights.
Some people believe that they don’t<(formal essay에서는 contraction을 안쓰시는게 좋습니다) deserve to say social medias interfere
their privacy, and I disagree with this idea because they are the same human as
us equally.
Celebrities are well-known to many viewers
and have plentiful fans who want to know about them more and more. With the
internet and social medias developed, it has been being hard for that famous people to have their private time, in addition, their remarks or behaviour could be issues
on the press. However, there is a couple, of Victoria and David Beckham, for
example, who have been living in a great life in spite of being surrounded by
people’s eyes. But the number of people as them does not outweigh other famous
people who are suffering from social media attention and taking away a privacy seems
to be demanding.
Whatever jobs people do, they are the same
humans who have a right to do whatever they want to do under the law. They can
tell their fans or correspondents not to pay all attention to them, which might
be the same things as those medias incarcerate celebrities in public spotlight.<(little unclear) Although the lives that those celebrities get isolated is what they have
chosen, they really should not be different from normal people. We need to
accept and understand what they ask us to do, and they are entitled to do so.
In conclusion, we do not have any right to
abandon celebrities from complaining, and they should be allowed to make their
own lives out of media’s attention.
Score: 7.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 전체적으로 글 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 더 좋은 글이 될 수 있다고 생각합니다. 또한 specificity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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