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People have different views about the primary aim of many governments. Of course the economic progress is necessary, but I believe the other sorts of progress are equally important equally. There are some reasons why economic growth tends to be regarded as the most important thing. Firstly, economically developed countries can open avenues for people to get more job opportunities to people. Secondly, the governments are able to put further investments into public transport infrastructure and improve the welfare system. The Irish government Ireland government, for example, give its subsidies to those who are laid off from their job or proposed to resign, thereby alleviating the burden of them. Finally, a strong economy can make a country’s position in the world, in terms of trade and political influence. However, other forms of progress are equally considered as significant as the factors mentioned above. In particular Especially, we need to argue what is the best method to protect our environment from excessive construction and industrialization how best to protect our environment getting contaminated by too much construction or industrialization. <Need coherence> Recently, there has been a significant increase in crime in many countries and it is becoming increasingly more serious, so we ought to come up with how we can take better provisions for reduction of crime rates. Furthermore, as time goes by, birthrate has been decreasing being shrunk form a number of years ago. Thus, by encouraging women to bear more babies than now, governments can manage to prevent an aged society. <(Economic progress외에 신경 써야할 세 개의 progress를 제시 해주셨지만 이 progress가 왜 equally important한지는 서술 해주시지 않습니다. 또한 문단 안의 coherence가 많이 부족합니다) In conclusion, although many governments considered economic progress as the most important way to develop countries, I believe that others also should be taken as equally prominent. <Can improve. simply 주장을 restate 해주시는 것 보다는 에세이 안의 내용을 이용해서 concluding을 해주시면 더 좋습니다)
Score: 6 Comment: 내용은 fair하다고 생각합니다. 다만 세 번째 문단에 elaboration이 조금 더 필요하며 coherence에도 improvement가 필요합니다. 문법상 표현에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |