▶ Your Answer :
It is considered by some that sharing information in scientific study, business and the academic field as much as possible is beneficial. However, others argue that there are some enormously significant or precious information to be shared freely, and I agree with this idea. There are various reasons why it is thought that might to be good to allow people to access information as much as they can. Firstly, information is helpful to education. In other words, information can be used in schools and home to improve people's study and even work. If they can get data datas as much as possible, it will affect them directly in positive ways. Furthermore, in modern society, knowledge is considered as a power. Thus, the public should have equal chances to acquire a large amount of information. It would be unfair if there is are even a slight few lack of information. However, I totally agree with those who think that some valuable information should be kept in private. This is because if all the information is shared freely, it would be negative to economies. Information and data are utmost significant to businesses and world economy. It would attack the currency or market prices. Another reason is a huge effect to a nation's power. In science fields, latest technologies and all the secret information about those are essential keys in development of a country, and nowadays there are severe competitions between countries' science power. Thus, they should keep some information in secret. In conclusion, although there are convincing arguments for and against sharing information as much as possible, I am convinced that it is not a good idea and some information is too valuable to be shared freely for the reasons I mentioned above.
IELTS 1-9 score scale score: 6 competent user
평등한 발전 기회 측면에서 장점을 언급하고, 국가 경제의 측면에서 단점을 언급했는데 글 안에서 모순이 생길 수 있는 지점인 것 같아요. 정보를 모두 평등하게 접근할 수 있게 해서 세상이 함께 발전해야 한다는 본론1의 논지를 좀 더 확고하게 정리하고, 본론2에서 '그렇지만 국가적 경쟁력이 우선이니까 모두 다 공유하는 건 별로다'라는 나의 반대입장을 명확히 드러내는 흐름을 보여주면 좋을 것 같습니다. 교육/경제로 각 본론의 main point를 나누는 것은 category가 다른 논점으로 보일 수 있으니 좀 더 글 전체를 아우르는 찬반양론을 구성해주는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 주술호응이 맞지 않는 부분이나 어색한 표현도 함께 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
아이엘츠 라이팅 채점기준 참고하세요 - TA/TR(Task Achievement/Task Response) 문제에 정확히 답변, 적정 분량 - CC(Coherence and Cohesion) 일관성, 응집성 - LR(Lexical Resource) 다양한 어휘표현 - GR(Grammatical Range and Accuracy) 문법 다양성, 정확성
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