The government should impose a fee on drivers who use their vehicles during rush hour to help cut down on air pollution from exhaust fumes.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
I agree with the opinion that the government should impose a fee on drivers who use their vehicles during rush hour to help cut down on air pollution from exhaust fumes. (일단 표현상으로는 수정해드렸는데, 이전에 말씀드렸듯이 서론은 이렇게 쓰면 안 된다고 보시면 됩니다.)
First of all, on these days environmental issues are becoming very serious problems, which are widely known as Global warming (소문자로 시작해주세요!), changes in weather, and etc. All those catastrophic incidents are mainly happening because of air pollutions. Vehicles emit carbon, and dioxide which contaminates the air. In China china, its air is usually filled with so much smoke that you can barely see 100 meters in front of you (2인칭을 사용해서는 안 됩니다.), because of all the fumes from vehicles and factories. At least, government should impose a fee for the car owners who drive during rush hours.
Moreover, not only air pollution infects not only the Earth earth, but also humans as well. Lung cancer and respiratory disease have become one of the lethal illnesses which threatens human lives. If someone live in a big cities like Seoul, Beijing, or Los Angeles, and then move to a rural country side, then that person can instantly feel the clean, fresh air, where there are not many cars around. With the fortune government earned from the car owners, they should make city more habitable. It is worth collecting money, to make city more clean and healthy place to live on.
In sum, as number of cars enhancing every year, the air pollution increases, and when air gets contaminated, it is us who would be harmed. At minimum, government should regulate or collect money during rush hour. In those reasons, I agree with that government should impose a fee drivers who use their vehicles during rush hour to help cut down on air pollution from exhaust fumes. (이 두 문장은 근본적으로 같은 말을 하고 있습니다. 굳이 반복해서 쓴다면 오히려 역효과만 나게 돼요.)
283 words
32 min
첨삭 및 부족한 점 지적 부탁 드리겠습니다. 감사합니다!
총평: (5/6/7/6) 6.0
논제의 악센트가 어디에 들어가는지 잘못 파악하셔서 이에 대한 수정이 필요합니다. 현재 글은 to help cut down on air pollution from exhaust fumes. 여기에 포커스가 들어가있는데, 이건 이미 논제의 어조상 전제가 된 사항입니다. 즉 이걸 해야하는지 마는지는 관심의 대상이 아니에요. 이걸 과연 하는 수단으로, impose a fee on drivers who use their vehicles during rush hour 가 좋은 것인지가 포인트가 됩니다. 이에 맞춰서 글을 수정해주세요! 수고하셨습니다 :)