In many countries, people have health problems because they choose to live in unhealthy ways. What do you think the reasons for this and how can it be solved?
Around the world, many people are suffering from various health problems due to the forced working environment that modern society posed them. However, there are some ways to solve this health issues for the better life of citizens.
First
of all, the health problems can be specified into two ways, which that are short
sleeping time and unhealthy diet. Sleeping shortage is famous in that it has for the higher
chances for the people to get illness including cancer, and unhealthy diet can gradually ruin is
gradually ruining body condition based on essential nutrition deficit. This
problematic situation can be found in many societies that requires overtime work
for people. To make an overtime work, people should reduce their sleeping time
and are forced to skip a nice and balanced meal. For instance, police officers
working in challenging district without proper reinforcement must undergo
frequent night shift and eat instant food for their dinner.
Thus,
reducing overtime work will be the main goal of the society that endeavors to
make their people’s life healthier. To reduce overtime work, organizational
culture in the society must be changed. Instead of cherishing those who works
overtime for his/her loyalty, specifying the reason of overtime work and make
quick remedies for this unhealthy situation is highly recommended. For instance,
if police officers are working overtime, the government must find the reason of
their overwork and should support need resources ranging from new devices or
more officers to ease the problem that makes short life expectancy of police
officers for their unhealthy life due to over work.
To conclude, the health problem that modern citizens
are suffering now is not their choice but given by the society without notice.
Thus, through the thorough review of current working condition that forces
overtime work and following just reform measures, we can make this right.
총평: (8/7/7/6) 7.0
경각심의 차원에서 GRA를 6으로 내리긴 했으나, 문장 구조 자체는 다양하고 깔끔한 편이었으며, 뜬금없는 오류들만 조금 아쉬운 정도였습니다. 아마 실전에서의 GRA는 7점이 가능할 것으로 보여요. 내용의 경우 잘 써주셨고요. 어차피 이온님의 총점은 task 1에서 얼마나 덜 까이냐에 달렸으니까, 그쪽에 조금 더 집중해주세요! 수고하셨습니다 :)