^Topic
In the modern world, schools are no necessary because there is so much information available through the internet that children can study just as well at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is commonly argued that all students can study on the internet Internet (인터넷은 고유명사입니다. 고로 대문자 시작해주시면 되고, 다른데에도 다 바꿔주세요!) at home without having to attend school (기존 표현도 문법상 문제가 있는 건 아닙니다.) attending school. However, i (I 는 이유불문 대문자 작성입니다. 여기 역시 다 바꿔주세요~) strongly disagree with this statement as i believe that schools are still needed for youngsters to develop themselves.
To begin with, there are several reasons to support the idea tha education in school is no longer necessary.Firstly, children can save time and money since they do not need to go to school and pay for tuition fees.They can study everywhere with eletronic devices such as the computer, laptop, smart phone and so on.Using these devices, children would study extensive information at no cost.In addition, it is easy to satify an individual learning pattern and style when children are studying at home, which will improve learning efficiency instead of formal school curriculam. (파란 단어는 철자 오류가 있는 단어들입니다. 꼭 사전에서 정확한 철자를 검색해서 익혀주세요! 지워진 이 문단에 대해서는 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.)
on On the other hand, i strongly believe that schools are still needed. One of the reasons is that schools are the place where students develop social skills by participating in a variety of team works, competition. With improved social skills, they can be a leader of a group and deal with issues when they grow up.Moreover, children are likely to have difficulty in taking physical education or science experiment classes which need be to guided with relevant instruction.
To sum up, although youngsters can learn about different subject on the internet, i opine that schools should exist for young people. Thus, schools are necessary in modern sociey.
총평: (5/6/5/5)
어휘/문법은 대소문자의 구분, 철자 문제만 없었어도 6점은 받을 수 있었을 겁니다. 기본이 되는 사항들이므로 꼭 지켜주세요!
본론 첫 번째 문단의 경우 링크를 하나 넣어드릴 건데, 정독해보신 다음에 해당 문단은 학교의 필요성을 주장하는 또다른 내용으로 채워주시면 되겠습니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)
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