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It is true that these days many people’s
eating habits have changed because they do not have enough time to make traditional
food at home. This phenomenon has a harmful effect on both individuals and
society. I agree with this issue. To begin with, nowadays many people should
easily change their eating habits from traditional food to fast food. (~해야 한다가 아니라 ~했다가 아닌가요?) In other
words, they do not sufficiently spend their time eating food. So (and but so 로 문장을 시작하지 말아주세요~), they prefer
to eat fast food compared to the traditional food, which helps workers to save
their time. For example, many statistics have consistently that when eating
time compares fast food with traditionally prepared meal, eating fast food can
save a lot of time. It is obvious that due to heavy workload from their work or
study, many people do not spend their time making traditional food at home. As
a result, because of their tremendous work or study, many people cannot ensure
their eating time. This has very negative effects on community and individuals. (이 문단은 다시 작성해주셔야 합니다 얼핏 보면 이런저런 내용이 있는 것 같지만, 결과적으로는 1. 일이 많기 때문에/시간이 없기 때문에 2. 밥을 먹을 시간이 부족하다의 맥락에서 3번이나 돌려말하고 있습니다. 그렇기 때문에 문단의 유기성의 측면에서 적절하지 않지만, 이보다는 더 본론적인 문제점이 있습니다. 논제와 서론을 고려했을 때 이 글의 수행해야 할 역할은 바로 '주어진 현상이 어떠한 부정적인 영향을 끼치는지' 에 대해 서술하는 것입니다. 그러나 이 문단은 원인에 대해서만 적고 있죠. 밑의 문단은 이 양상에 관해서 잘 작성되었고, 비슷한 말을 돌려말하고 있지도 않으므로 그걸 모범삼아 이 문단을 처음부터 다시 작성해주세요. 일부분의 수정이 필요한 게 아니라 전부 대체해주셔야 합니다.) Moreover, our body health is negatively
affected by eating fast food because fast food contains unhealthy worse ingredients like
sugar and fat. Compared to the traditionally prepared food, fast food does not
include nutrient resources like vitamins. (비타민도 있긴 있습니다. 단지 비율이 상대적으로 매우 적을 뿐이죠.) This food only contains a lot of
sugar and fat in order to stimulate people’s tongue. It is obvious that eating
this food cause serious illness such as heart diseases due to the sugar and
fat. Subsequently, they can spend a lot of time treating the illness in the
hospital. As a result, when people change their eating habits from traditional
food to fast food, they lose their health and use their money to care some
illnesses. In conclusion, changing a change in (일단 문법만 바꿔드리자면 이렇게 되는데, 더 구체적인 서술이 필요합니다. '전통 음식에서 패스트푸트로의 식습관 변화는~~' 과 같이요.) eating habits bring
about serious impacts on both individuals and society because they cannot enjoy
their eating time and maintain their health. As a result, I totally agree with
this issue that it has a harmful effect on community and society.
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