▶ Your Answer :
Juvenile delinquency has been increased recently according to many institutes including educational and criminal department areas. Especially, it differentiates the past fashion in criminal rates >> ?? because a great deal of >> a great deal of 는 셀 수 없는 것에 씁니다 a lot of crimes>> 범죄들이 젊은 여성들에게 초점이 맞춰진다? 젊은 여성들에 의해 범죄가 저질러진단 건가요? focus on young women. Clearly, this phenomenon has a plain reason what the government and societal members are do not known and we should detect methods to resolve about it. I will discuss below. >> 서론이 깁니다 문제 제기를 하고 본인의 글을 쓸 방향을 잡아주시면 그걸로 됐습니다
To begin with, we should pay attention to the rising number of young women crimes that it is not men crimes committed by young women, not by men. Recently, society and the government concentrate on only men's young crimes. >> 문장을 이어주는 접속사 없이 완전한 문장이 두개가 올 수 없습니다 This is why they prejudice people that young women would not raise will not make any crimes and serious problems. However, this prediction came out as a wrong anticipation. The first reason that rising criminal rate of young women is that society and the government are not paying attention to their distress. Although many crimes are raised by both men and women, they mainly focus on the men's crimes and disregard their problems>> 정부가 여성들의 문제에 관심을 가지지 않는다 했는데 여기선 남자들의 문제를 무시한다고 했네요. The second reason is that the rate of young women running away from home has increased and this is continues to bear many criminal behaviors. A runaway girls should be target many delinquencies and should commit crimes.>>??
For these reasons, we must know these causes and should establish solutions for young women. Firstly, society and the government should cooperate to prevent juvenile delinquency. For instance, educational department and secondary school supervise young women to prevent in advance including running a campaign that involves runaway home leaving and running a counseling program to listen to their distress. Also, >> also so and or but은 문두에 쓰지 않습니다 the government and society should pay attention to young women crimes and as equally as young men.
Rising young women's crime rates in juvenile age delinquency is a serious problem recently. We should realize the magnitude of the problem and endeavor to solve their problems.
솔직히 무슨 말인지 모르겠습니다
crime 과 delinquency 가 관계가 어디가 있는지 또한 이게 delinquency로 포커스가 왜 맞춰졌는지 등이요
또한 단어도 너무 폭이 좁습니다 했던 말들의 반복이 보이구요 맞지 않는 논리들도 있습니다
Task Achievement - 4 Coherence and Cohesion - 4 Lexical Resource - 4 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 4
4.0 예상합니다
|