Topic: Some people say that the extended family is not as important now as it once was. Others think that its worth has not changed because people always need help from their family members. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Nowadays, the most common type of family is the nuclear family. According to this trend, it is said that the extended family lost its significance when compared with the past. Nevertheless, there is a more persuasive opinion that the value of the extended family still has existed in its credibility.
On
the one hand, nowadays/in the present 등 people can get help with various sources. A long time ago, there
existed only a few ways to contact with others, such as a letter or a call.
Thus, whether individuals can were able to get help when they wanted or not was unclear. In
contrast, recently, people can be easily connected through mobile networks. For
example, most people have their mobile phones with which they can contact
others through a phone call or chat apps. (이거는 앞선 상황에 대한 예시라기보다는 연장선상에 가까워서, 사실 for example 이라는 표현이 그렇게 깔끔하게 들어가지는 않습니다.) This demonstrates that requesting
help does not take a long time. (고로 대가족의 중요성은 과거와 비교해서 많이 희석되었다~라는 결론이 도출되어야 합니다.)
However, family members are still the most
reliable existence to get help. Based on a long-term relationship, strong ties
are difficult to get from others and will give family members reliability.
Thus, when someone asks for help to care for their children, cases of
acquaintances and family members are different. In the case of the
acquaintances, they continue to check whether their children are safe. On the
other hand, with their children being staying/residing with the family members, they do not
check like that. As this case reveals, credibility makes family members invaluable.
To
sum up, it is undeniable that the development of mobile networks lessens the
extended family’s value. Nevertheless, trustworthiness, the value of the extended
family, still does has not disappeared.
총평: (6/7/7/7) 7.0
암기된 티가 난다는 점을 제외했을 때 크게 문제는 없었습니다. 대신 대부분의 오류들이 본론 첫 번째 문단 쪽에 집중되어있으므로 여기만 살짝 손을 봐주시면 되겠습니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)