Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
As the number of people who listen to music is increasing due to the development of the music industry, the roles of music (이렇게 가는 게 훨씬 문어체에 가깝습니다.) the music’s roles are getting bigger and diversified. Some deem that music is able to integrate people from different backgrounds and generation. Personally, (이렇게 넣어주시면 조금 더 매끄럽게 이어집니다.) I totally agree with this statement.
First of all, it seems that people who like listening to a certain music or genres can feel a sense of bond with people from other areas of the world who like them. This specific area is K-pop. These days K-pop music has made a great hit and people over the world listen to it. Although the listeners were born in different countries and have a variety of cultures, they can feel same identity with them which is K-pop fans. Therefore they try to have more communications with other K-pop fans regardless of their cultures or backgrounds. They are able to remove cultural barriers or hurdles between them thanks to the music with which they are integrated.
On top of that, music can make a harmony between various generations. There are some music that is loved by all generations. This allows people in different ages to have a sense of bond with them. Take an example of legendary pop song, ‘A Train For South Side.(A famous Korean korean song)’ Even though this pop song was released about 70 years ago, young generations still know this music well. When people have their family meeting that from grandparents to grandchildren all join, they are likely to sing this song together. With this song, they can build more friendly and closer relationships all together.
In conclusion, I would say that music has a great power to associate people even if they have different backgrounds.(다시보니 틀린 표현이네요 to associate with people from different backgrounds라고 하면 맞을까요? -> 적어주신대로 가면 맞고, 기존 표현에서 associate people together 로 가도 괜찮을 것 같습니다.) People would feel like they are belonged to a certain group, which leads to building a stronger bond with each other. Therefore I think that we need to make a use of music for solving conflicts and achieving a harmony with various people in the world. (이거는 논제에서 따로 요구한 바가 없기 때문에 그냥 앞문장까지만 적고 마무리지어주시면 됩니다.)
걸린시간 : 35분
목표 : 6.5
항상 감사드립니다^^
총평: (7/6/7/6) 6.5
6.5점에서 내용이나 어휘 관련 크게 문제되는 부분은 없었습니다. 대신 지금 대부분 수정이 글의 매끄러운 연결 관련 사항인데, 쉼표의 경우도 적절히 넣어서 글을 매끄럽게 만들어주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)