> > 2011-04-20 07:07:55, '' 님이 쓰신 글입니다. ↓
The graphs show an the information on the population of male and female prisoners in a European countriesy between 1911 and 2011.
According to the data, there were 25,000 male prisoners in 1911. But the number slowly decreased in 1921 with a little over at 20,000, and the number had leveled out at that point until 1951. After that the number of male prisoners were reached exactly point of at 25,000 again. However, the number was significantly elevated after 1981 with peaking of 35,000 in 2001.
the number had slowly decreased until 1921. 또는 the number a little bit decreased in 1921 (표를 봐야알겠죠.)
After가 이끄는 절을 앞 문장이랑 붙혀버리는게 좋겠네요. after ~ 인데 주절이 없는 나홀로 문장이네요.
Turing to the second graph, it is clear that female prisoners had were slowly decreased throughout the period of 1911.. In 1911, the number of female prisoners were 4,500, but the number dropped more by approximately 3,200 in 1921. Then the number had remained for 30 years continuously. After that, the number fluctuated from 1951 to 1981, and the number slowly decreased again in 2001 at a lowest point of with only 1,000.
To sum up, there were more male prisoners than those of female (prisoners). In addition, male prisoners tend to be elevated while female prisoners are slowly dropped.
부족 하지만 첨삭 부탁드려요...
그리고 이정도 하면 5점 정도 나오나요??? 급우울합니다, 며칠있으면 시험인데......
끌쎄요. 이것만 가지고는 알수 없지만, 이정도를 쓰시는 정도면 6 정도는 나올 수 있을것 같은데요. task 2에 달렸죠.
정답이 정해져 있는 것은 아니지만 시제나 시점에 대한 묘사를 정확히 할 필요가 있습니다. ~부터 ~까지 천천히 떨어진 것이고 어느 시점에서는 조금 떨어진 것이겠지요. 물론 큰 문제는 안되겠지만 참고 하셨으면 좋겠습니다.