▶ Your Answer :
There are many old buildings around the nation and many of those are protected by laws for the history. The preservation of old buildings is important for the country's historical and natural representative reason. Some people claim that the old buildings should be demolished and replaced by new ones, because the maintenance of old buildings is costly and the space is inadequately used. <(이 문장은 따로 써주시기 보다는 다음 문단과 같이 오면 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 이 문장과 다음 문단의 topic sentence를 하나의 문장으로 써주실 수 있습니다) However, the old buildings have has the story and the history, unlike those of a new buildings. There are differences between the old and modernised buildings about the materials and the styles. People could get the chance to see the ancestors' building techniques without aid of technological devices. People can improve their artistic and historic knowledge by looking at the old building. <(문단 안의 coherence가 좋지 않습니다. 내용 연결성에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
(Need better transition) The old buildings becomes the national heritages and can be used as a tourist attraction place. The old building may not have been influenced by other cultures, so it may have its own unique nation's history. <(Incomplete paragraph. 이 두 내용도 다음 문단과 같이 오면 좋을 것 같습니다.) Each part of the walls in the buildings represents the time of the events in the history, because each building had been constructed for a specific reason. <(little unclear) Thus, each building is a part of the nation's history. In other words, the history of the building is equivalent to the history of that nation. The development can be existed because there is the history. People can see the process of nation's development by looking at the old structures. Since some part of the building may have been constructed by accidentally, people can improve their living and politics by continuously looking at the past mistakes.<(little unclear) (이 문단 또한 coherence가 부족합니다) In conclusion, all the buildings should be protected by the law for the sake of a nation's history. Every old buildings has its have own history to tell since they each had been established for the different reasons. Therefore, the preservation of old buildings is important since people can learn from the history.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 질문에 대한 답은 fair한데 내용상 clarity가 떨어집니다. 특히 coherence가 부족하기 때문에 clarity가 떨어지는 것 같습니다. 내용 organization과 coherence에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 한/두 문장을 따로 써주시는 것 보다는 complete paragraphs를 써주시는게 좋습니다. 문법상 크게 문제는 없어 보이십니다. 다만 plurality에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |