안녕하세요. 첨삭 부탁드립니다.
매번 감사드립니다!
Q: Human activity has had a negative impact on plants and animals around the
world. Some people think that this cannot be changed, while others believe
actions can be taken to bring about a change.
Discuss both and give your opinion.
As a result of development of human society, the natural
environment around the world including plants and animals has been damaged. While
some people say that this is inevitable, I believe that we can make a change by
increasing public awareness and constant effort.
(제가 해드린 것처럼, 문단이 구분될 때에는 엔터키를 두 번 쳐주시면 됩니다. 이것도 점수에 들어가므로 주의해주세요!)
On the one hand, some
people think that the destruction of nature is unstoppable because most people prioritise
convenience and other benefits over the negative impacts it will bring. In daily life, many people are using disposable products such as plastic straws although they are aware of its
harmful impacts, and this causes soil and ocean contamination which are hazardous
for plants and animals. In addition, many companies around the world are taking
the risks of deforestation and habitat loss of wild animals for industrial development
and economic benefits. As these businesses are generally related to various
stakeholders, it is hard to ban and stop them.
On the other hand, there
are other people, including myself, who think that we can still make changes and
mitigate environmental damage rate. Firstly, damages from using single-use
products can be reduced by increasing public awareness of recycling. As many single-use
products are made by recyclable materials, separating them from other waste and
using a recycling bin can make considerable changes in protecting other species
and their habitat. Furthermore, in terms of large-scale environmental damages
such as deforestation, the government’s constant effort and active attitudes can
change current situations. Introducing a stricter environmental policy and protecting
its green belt zone will guarantee a positive change in its land and nature.
In conclusion, while it
is hard to make improvement in environmental issues caused by human beings, I am
convinced that there will be certainly positive changes if both individuals and
governments around the world endeavour for the reasons mentioned above.
총평: (8/7/7/7) 7.5
이정도면 충분히 잘 써주신 글입니다. task1에서 발목 잡히는 걸 생각해도 7.0 정도는 충분히 가능할 것 같네요. 관사 등 자잘한 사항들을 제외하면 크게 문제가 없었으며 저 위의 it will bring의경우도 사실상 필수사항이라기보다 msg정도로 생각해주시면 됩니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)
+엔터는 한 번이 아닌 두 번 쳐주세요!