Some people assert
that it is good for college students to have part-time jobs. To what extent do
you agree or disagree?
Some people believe that having a part-time job as a student is
beneficial in many ways. They claim that students should embrace opportunities
to work, in order to become responsible adults. I support this idea because students who
hold a job can have more advantages in their life.
To begin with, students (이런저런 동의어가 존재하기도 하고, 굳이 동의어를 쓰지 않더라도 대명사나 경우에 따라 생략의 방법으로 대체가 가능하므로, 너무 많이 쓰이지 않도록 주의해주세요!) who have jobs can learn ways to obtain
useful experiences in their life. it It is commonly known that working as a
student helps them organize a busy schedule and use their time efficiently. For
example, students should develop their time management skills and handle
stressful situations wisely while working. Because of this, working and being a
student at the same time is much more likely to be a good way to grow
themselves responsibly. Therefore, it is evident that students who have jobs
should be highly regarded.
Moreover, holding a part time job as a student helps them learn
how to budget responsibly. it It is well-known that students can learn to spend
money responsibly through work experiences. For example, it is much more likely
to continue good spending habits if students try to earn their own money and
manage it by themselves, it is more likely to continue to the development of good spending habits. For this reason, even though it is quiet (여기서 철자 오류가 나는 학생들 의외로 많으므로 주의해주세요!) demanding to
work as a student, it is well worth the experiences. Therefore, having a
part-time job should be widely encouraged in many ways.
To sum up, it is evident that students who hold jobs can learn useful experiences and achieve good spending habits in their entire life. (여기서 엔터는 따로 치지 않습니다. 그냥 스페이스로 쭉 이어주세요~)
For
this reason, having a job as a student seems like a good decision.
총평: (6/7/6/7) 6.5
표현상 크게 문제는 없었습니다. 고로 이쪽에서 점수는 어느정도 벌어갈 수 있을 것이고요. 대신 이에 비해 내용상 그렇게 풍부한 전개가 된 것은 아닌 상황이므로 이와 관련한 보완이 되면 좋습니다. 일례로 본론2에서 제가 수정해드린 it is more likely~~부분은 문법상 수정이긴 하지만, 애초에 해당 문단 내에 근거로써 역할을 하는 내용이 저 내용밖에 없기도 합니다. 여건이 될 경우 spend money responsibly 와 관련된 부연 설명을 더 넣어보세요~
수고하셨습니다 :)