A controversy between competition and co-operation is often said these days. Although all people grow up with many competitions and co-operations, it doesn't (줄임말은 풀어써주셔야 합니다. 다른데에도 싹 다 풀어주세요~) mean that these have the same values in people's lives.
There are advantages and disadvantages in both of the arguments.
First of all, in some societies, there are so many competitions, and also people instigate these.
For example, in Korea, the majority of students have their own tutors to learn extra studies, in order to
to win others perform well compared to others in exams(competitions) for entering famous universities.
Entering famous universities is equal to getting many opportunities in the rest of their life.
They will be tutors to teach high school students, getting a nice pay paid. After they graduate universities, they will get huge opportunities from many nice firms.
So people think that studying hard to win in competitions is the way of success.
That's why many people in Korea instigate competitions and regard it as their goals.
But (문장을 and but so로 시작하는 것은 좋지 않습니다.), there is a problem here. Because they have been studying so hard for only themselves, they become selfish. When they work with their co-workers in a firm, people usually work in a selfish way
because they've been living to win competitions so they don't know how to co-operate
with others. Of course, they will be taught how to collaborate with others, but it'll be
hard to get used to it and they will have to wait enough time for that.
In conclusion, competition is important to children for enhancing their abilities.
abilities. But co-operation is much more important, because eventually they will have to collaborate with others. They will be estimated by collaborations and it will decide how their careers go well. Therefore, parents and teachers should teach children to co-operate rather than compete with others. (제언을 하는 것은 논제에서 요구된 바가 없습니다. 그냥 뭐가 나은지 정도만 적고 넘기시면 돼요.)
총평: (6/4/6/6) 5.5
지금은 시를 쓰는 과정이 아니기 때문에, 엔터키는 문단이 구분되는 경우에 한해서만 '두 번' 쳐주시면 됩니다. 지금처럼 어떤 문장 이후 엔터를 한 번 치면서 넘어가지 않도록 해주세요~이것도 다 점수에 들어갑니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)