▶ Your Answer : It is often said that if you want to
succeed in life, you need a proper education. I would agree with this, but it
is debatable whether a proper education means having to stay in school until
you are 18. <(질문에 대한 글쓴이의 주장이 clear하면 좋을 것 같습니다)
Perhaps the strongest reason not leaving
school early is that it prepares you for your working career. If you leave
school early with only a basic education, you are unlikely to be able to find
any skilled work. Indeed, the education you receive between the ages of 16 and
18 is crucial for anyone who does not want a lifetime of unskilled work in a
factory.
Another compelling reason for remaining in
school until 18 is that school provides a moral and social education too. This is
particularly important for people between 16 and 18 who have many temptations
and benefits from the organised framework that school provides. Young people who
stay in school until the age of 18 tend to be more responsible and help build a
stronger society.
There are, however, equally strong
arguments against making school compulsory until the age of 18. One such
argument is that not everyone is academic and that some people benefit more
from vocational training. For instance, someone who wants to become a car
mechanic may find better training and more satisfaction in an apprentice
scheme. Another related argument is that, in todayʼs world, young people are maturing ever more quickly and are able to make their own life decisions by the age of
16.
To my mind, everyone should be encouraged
to stay in school until 18. However, I believe it would be a mistake to make
this compulsory.
Score: 6 Comment: 질문을 답해주시기 보다는 주제를 discuss 해주셨습니다. 글쓴이의 주장은 conclusion이 아닌 introduction에서 부터 clear해야하고 글쓴이의 주장을 reasoning/supporting하는 내용을 에세이에 서술을 해주셔야합니다. 문법상 글쓰시는데에는 큰 문제가 없어 보이십니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |