The two charts are concerning present the information about the proportions of professions that high school students desire by gender.
Overall, the preference for professions between males and females is opposite except in some jobs. In addition, male students reported a more concentrated preference on certain jobs than female students.
The data shows that mostly males want doctor and athlete the most (여기와 관련해서는 링크를 하나 넣어드리겠습니다.) for their future jobs. The combined amount of two professions exceeds 50% of total in male students. However, only 8% and 5% of girls want them, which are nearly one quarters of those of boys.
In the table of females, a teacher, dentist and lawyer are the most popular professions accounting for 24%,23% and 21%, respectively. In contrast, except for a dentist, the proportions for the two jobs in males are less than those of females. The figures of teacher and lawyer totaled only 18% in the chart of boys. On the other hand, there is little difference of preference for profession about dentist and professor by gender. The difference of sexual portion for the two jobs are under 6%.
시간 단축 너무 어렵네요ㅜㅜㅜ
첨삭감사합니다!!
총평: (7/7/7/7) 7.0
시간 이런 거 다 제끼고 그냥 글만 봤을 때, 충분히 잘 써주셨습니다. 패러프레이징이 아주 잘 된 편이라는 점이 가장 긍정적이고, 내용 관련해서도 mostly를 제외하면 적어도 틀린 부분은 크게 없었어요.
대신 시간은 시험도비님께서 꼭 잘 맞춰주셔야합니다. 한꺼번에 너무 단축하려고 하지 말고, 천천히 줄인다 생각하세요~
수고하셨습니다 :)
+mostly는 링크를 참고해주세요!
https://www.gohackers.com/?c=ielts/ielts_info2/ielts_data&p=2&type=url&uid=481969