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<Topic>
Psychological illnesses may not be as
obvious as physical disabilities or illnesses, nevertheless they are just as
disabling in their own way. Society, however, is more accepting of those with
physical than psychological illnesses or disabilities.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
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It is certainly true that the mental health is
a salient factor of human beings, however, some people often claimed that it can
be barely noticed by other people compared to the physical ailments. As I absolutely
concur with this statement, the supportive ideas will underpin my point of view
in this essay.
First
and foremost, I strongly believe that symptoms of mental illnesses are usually
invisible. If patients who are suffering from physical immobility, they may use
wheelchairs, crutches, and cast which can obviously be recognized. Nonetheless,
people who have mental health issues might not be assisted initiatively. For
example, A a plethora of Hollywood stars committed suicides owing to the depression.
Although their marvelous acting and appearance were acclaimed by innumerable international
fans and critics, nobody noticed that they suffered from psychologic ailments
and suppression. After they departed, the global audience were shocked. This
is because on the camera (이건 안 넣어도 되지만, 넣으면 확실한 플러스가 될 겁니다.) those celebrities were seemed happy and also possessed smiling on
their face.
Secondly,
this phenomenon might be derived from the common recognition in society. In
South Korea, there are a great deal of people who consider that only people
who have week-kneed mindsets can be suffered from psychologic diseases. Thereupon,
patients are usually not allowed to reveal symptoms of mental problems in front
of other people. furthermore Furthermore, most insurance companies in Korea do not accept
depressed people or assign demerits on their applications as those firms
define melancholiacs have a high probability of committing suicide. Hence, in
order to have sufficient benefits from medical insurance, Koreans who have depression
pretend to behave as general citizens who are free from any mental problems.
As a
consequence, I am firmly convinced that psychological disabilities are hard
to be recognized compared to physical counterparts because of its intricacies
such as societies’ atmosphere or other people’s recognition as to the mental health
issues. In order to pursue the prosperity in community, I would like to ventilate
that we should be vigilant to assist those patients to surmount their difficulties. (시킨 것만 해주시면 됩니다.)
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[ 332 words]
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Grammar
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Vocabulary
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Cohesion and Coherence
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Task Response
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8/9.0
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8/9.0
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8/9.0
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8/9.0
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감사합니다.
총평: 저 마지막 줄만 아니었어도 TR에서는 9점도 가능했을 것 같아서 조금 아쉽네요. 항상 글을 쓸 때에는 철저히 시킨것(여기의 경우 동의/비동의의 여부)에만 집중할 수 있도록 주의해주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)