Question: Some people say that devoting one's time to family activities is more important than spending time working. Ohters believe that dedicating one's time to work is more important. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
답안
Some people might think that spending time working is more important than time for family activities. However, there is a more persuasive argument that dedicating one's time to family is more valuable than to one's work for several reasons.
Spending more time working than making happy memories with family can help people achieve a lot of goals in their job. It can lead to getting more incentives and being promoted quickly. Thus it helps to get ecnomic and professional success through/thanks to the extreme focus by extremely focusing on their works. In fact, many youths are devoting their time and efforts to their jobs to succeed get a success quickly in their field and prepare for their elderly lives, accumulating their income.
Nevertheless, dedicating time to family is much more important than focusing on works. The time for family activities is limited because how long one's family members are able to live cannot be expected. Especially, parents are likely to have shorter lives in future than their sons and daughters. (여기 사이는 조금 더 매끄럽게 이어주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 뽀잉님 실력이면 충분히 혼자서 하실 수 있을 거라 제가 따로 바꿔놓지는 않을게요.) Many people regret that they did not spend much time with their parents due to their busy lives. Also, being with family can get rid of stress caused by works. So (문장을 and but so로 시작하는 것은 좋지 못합니다.) it can make people work more efficiently. Therefore, most of the workers in Korean companies spend time with their family in weekends and then concentrate more on work in weekdays.
To sum up, spending time with family is more valuable than working hard for limited life with family and work efficiency.
항상 감사드립니다! 비밀번호는 1234 입니다.
총평: (6/7/7/7) 7.0
빨간 부분이 거의 없는 것을 통해 볼 수 있듯이 적어도 표현상 문제가 많지는 않았습니다. 물론 내용 쪽 구체적인 설명이 아주 잘 된 게 아니라는 점은 아쉽지만, 그래도 이정도면 시간 문제가 없었을 시에 task2에서 7.0까지는 괜찮을 것이며, 아무리 못해도 6.5는 확보될 거에요.
수고하셨습니다 :)
+뽀잉님께서는 굳이 템플릿 쓰지 않으셔도 괜찮습니다.