The first car appeared on British roads in
1888. By the year 2000 there may be as many as 29 million vehicles on British
roads.
Alternative forms of transport should be
encouraged and international laws introduced to control car ownership and use.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Since the introduction of automobiles, long
distance travelling has become much more convenient and as the price of the
vehicle decreased, the number has increased proportionately. As the air
pollution and the traffic congestion has emerged as public problems,
discussions have has been going on about the alternatives forms of travelling. Though the
invention of automobiles has made our lives become extra convenient, I agree
that there should be certain restrictions to limit the use of vehicles.
(제가 해드린 것처럼, 문단을 구분할 때에는 엔터를 두 번 쳐주시면 됩니다.)
Over the history, long distance traveling
has always been a challenge. With the introduction of motor vehicles, things
have changed significantly. Easy transport of goods and people has largely
contributed to industrial development, and in general population level, it made has become easier for them to visit the family living far away. It is an undeniable fact
that the use of the cars has been deeply rooted in our daily living.
Despite the convenience and economic flourish
the automobiles have brought, air pollution and traffic congestion have has become
problems in the society. Use of fossil fuel has contributed to increase in
micro-particles in the air which is very unhealthy for people’s respiratory
function. There has been a study done in the urban area that the air pollution
leads to increased respiratory problems in the general population relative to
the ones living in the rural area. (<-----여기의 경우 바로 앞 문장에서 했던 말과 크게 다르지는 않아서, 그렇게 효율적인 문장은 아닙니다.) Also the traffic congestion on the roads in
the large cities has made traveling in the car more inconvenient than other
modes of transport. Due to the problem listed above, owning automobiles is
becoming more of a burden than a convenience.
Though the long distance traveling has become more
convenient due to the vehicles, with significant increase in numbers, it is
causing more loss than benefit. There are many efforts being made to improve
the situation such as encouraging use of bicycles and public transport, (파란 부분의 경우 결론에서 말씀해주시면 됩니다.) and it
is actually making some difference in improving the problems listed above.
Therefore, I agree that the alternative forms of transport should be encouraged
and international laws should be put in place.
총평: (6/7/7/7) 7.0
일단 표현상으로는 매우 좋았습니다. 바로 앞의 Task1이 표현의 반복 때문에 문제가 되었지만, task2의 경우 그런 거 없이 잘 해주셨네요. (task1의 어휘+문법 관련해서는 무조건 모범답안을 보시고 분석하는 게 효율적입니다.)
대신 내용의 경우 약간의 수정이 필요해요. 지금 글의 목적은 대체교통과 국제조약의 당위성을 언급하는 것입니다. 그러나 현재 본론에는 여기까지 들어가지 못하고, 그 바로 전 단계에만 머물러있는 상황입니다.다 맞는 말이긴 한데, 본론의 내용들이 결과적으로 '본론 내에서' 파란 부분까지 보일 수 있도록 조금만 수정해주세요! 예를 들면 본론2의 마지막의 경우, '부담이 되고 있다.' 로만 끝나는 것이 아닌, '부담이 되고 있기 때문에~~~~~' 에서 물결표 부분을 채우실 수 있어야 하는 것이죠.
수고하셨습니다 :)