The environment is changing rapidly because humans are destroying nature to meet their needs. Discuss this cause of environmental change and suggest some solutions for this problem.
There is no doubt that we have faced severe environment problems. For example examples, the weather has been changed and it caused to melt the ice in North Pole to melt, the quality of the air has been getting poor. There are many factors which to ruin the environment.
Firstly, it (문단에 처음 등장하는 대상이 대명사로 쓰여서는 안 됩니다.) is related with many businesses. There are a lot of factories to make products. While the goods are produced the environment such as the air and water is also destroyed. There are many good and honest companies that care about the environment but still many companies do not consider the environment. The government must set the strong standards and strongly force the companies to keep the regulation. (이건 전혀 구체적이지 못합니다. 어떤 기준을 어떻게 적용할 것인지에 대해 구체적으로 적어주셔야 해요.) On the other hand Meanwhile, the companies should run the business in an eco-friendly way. Moreover, if the companies invested some money for the environment it would be great.
Secondly, individuals person also destroy the environment to live more convenient life. We use a lot of products which can cause environment pollutions such as shampoo, deterngets, plastic bags and after that we make a lot of garbage even foods. We should be aware that every small behavior can affect effect on the environment. The more we use them the worse the environment will be. Even though we feel inconvenient if we try not to use them much it will be worth it.
We should notice that the environment does not is not belong to the human beings. We have just borrowed from the nature and have to give it back to the next generation as it is. Unless we care about the future, the situation will become getting worse. The government, companies and every individual person have to cooperate together to keep our huge asset from the nature.
소요시간 1시간. 목표 7.0 사전 도움 없이 하려니 단어의 한계 때문에 힘들었습니다. 도움 없이 작성 하였습니다.
총평: (6/6/6/6) 6.0
지금 당장 사전 도움 없이 하실 필요 없습니다. 아직 글에 대한 요령이 부족한 상황이기 때문에, 특히 서/결론에 있어서는 템플릿의 도움을 받으면서 글을 어떻게 전개하는 것이 좋을지 대략이나마 익혀주시는 게 좋아요. 시간 역시 당장 재봤자 크게 의미가 없고요.
또한 제가 이전에 강조드렸던 어휘+문법은 매일매일 하셔야 합니다. 현재 실력이 7점과는 거리가 조금 있는 편이기 때문에, 이러한 기본기를 다지는 작업이 더더욱 중요해요.
수고하셨습니다 :)
+얼마 전에 올려주신 첫 글의 경우 제가 6/4/6/6으로 채점해놓고 총점을 6.5로 드렸는데, 제가 오타를 냈습니다. 5.5가 맞았습니다!