▶ Your Answer :
Working after finishing secondary school
have some advantages for students who have not attended any university. In this
essay, I would enumerate those things to explain why it is. <(질문을 답해주고 있지 않습니다)
Firstly, the students are capable of facing
things about their duties earlier than graduates in university. It is true that
college education provides professional knowledge and students can get used to
coping with their major through plenty of practices more than people who have
only high school diploma. Secondly, while technologies have been developed over
a long period, employers and directors prefer and pursue the people who have greater,
longer and more various experiences than others who have less. For example, an
engineering company in my country offered students to have job interviews to
many who wanted to be involved in it. Among thousands, five candidates came
into a room and the interview was commenced. Only one of them did not have had not got even bachelor
degree which the others had, but the person had worked in a producing company
for a long time. On the other hand, the only experience the other four career they had was conducting
experiments at the university’s laboratory. Although the latter people were
postgraduates and masters, finally, the former was hired. Finally, if a company is consisted of competent employees, possibility to progress would be higher and
prosperity would be brighter as well <(of no great value/relevancy. 내용이 조금 too explanatory하고 내용이 너무 많습니다. 하지만 왜 대학을 들어 가기 전에 일을 하는게 더 좋은지 아니면 더 좋은게 아닌지에 대해서는 두 번째 예시 외에는 크게 말해주고 있지 않습니다)
As can be seen in a real case, experiences
were regarded as the most prominent things above all and those must be able to
be one of the greatest benefits. I reckon people don’t <(formal essay에서는 contraction을 안쓰시는게 좋습니다) have to be under pressure
to get into upper university. <(incomplete paragraph)
For those reasons, in my considered
opinion, I agree with the fact that it is better for students to work before
university. <(this should be clear in the introduction)
Score: 4 Comment: 질문을 잘 답해주고 있지 않습니다. 또한 글쓴이의 주장을 introduction에서 부터 clear 해야합니다. Body의 경우 한 문단은 너무 길고 organize가 잘 안되어있어 보입니다. 다른 문단은 너무 짧고 incomplete 해보입니다. 한 문단은 주로 최소한 4~6 문장들로 서술을 해주시면 좋습니다. 그 외에는 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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