The bar graph compares the percentage of
families in owned house and rented houses in England and Wales from 1918 to
2011. Overall, the percentage of owned house families in England and Wales
illustrates a significant increase during the entire reported period. However,
it is contrastive that the percentage of rented house families considerably decrease
during the whole reported period.
As to the detail, the percentage of
household in rented accommodation in England and Wales peaked at approximately 78
percent in 1918, which reached a low of almost 31 percent in 2001. However, the
percentage of rented house families slightly rose from 31 percent in 2001 to 36
percent in 2011. (지금 거의 대부분의 문장들이 죄다 the percentage of~~~로 되어있기 때문에 패러프레이징이 필요합니다.)
In terms of the percentage of household in
owned accommodation in the same countries, just 23 percent had their own house in
1918. However, nearly three times as many houses were (문법만 고치면 이렇게 되지만, 참고로 여기의 경우 '수' 가 아닌 비율을 기준으로 작성해주셔야 합니다. 이에 대해서는 총평에서 링크를 넣어드릴게요.) owned in 2001. The percentage
of household in owned accommodation peaked at 69 percent in 2001 before it rose (그 반대이겠죠.) slightly to 64 percent in 2011.
총평: (6/7/6/6) 6.5
일단 6.5이긴 한데, 사실 윤씨님의 문장력을 고려했을 때 6.5에 머무를 글은 아닙니다. 고로 어휘와 문장 구조 모두 패러프레이징을 꼭 해주세요! were가 포함된 문장의 경우 밑의 링크의 2-2번에 자세한 설명이 되었으므로 참고해주세요!
https://www.gohackers.com/?c=ielts/ielts_info2/ielts_writing&type=url&uid=461474
또한 이 표에서 1971년은 매우 중요한 의미를 갖습니다. 꼭 분석으로 넣어주세요~
수고하셨습니다 :)