▶ Your Answer : Since the industrialization,
the manufacture of foods has been dramatically increased and enabled convenience
food to replace traditional foods. Nevertheless, it also brings some negative
effects to our society because convenience foods which can also be called as
junk or instant foods are sometimes not balanced in terms of nutrition. Some
may argue that convenience foods should replace traditional foods. However, in
my view, there should be traditional methods of preparation. <(convenience food가 replace 해야하나 가 아니라 replace 하게 될 것인지 에 대한 질문입니다)
To begin with,
there should be traditional methods of cooking to balance enough nutrients for
our body. Despite the fact that some may argue that instant foods also contain enough
nutrients for our body to stay keep active, it has been proved that it is hard to
acquire daily nutrients from the convenience foods. As instant foods are not
suited for personal health and care but taste and flexibility, the body will have an should be
unbalanced digest of nutrients which will result in obesity or diagnose <(diagnose of what?). People
who have junk or instant foods everyday tend to show higher obesity rates than
the people who have traditional foods.<(topic은 traditional cooking method은제 문단 안의 내용은 traditional food인 것 처럼 들립니다. 또한 convenience food 외에 왜 traditional food/ traditional cooking 이 건강에 좋은지 에 대해서도 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
Furthermore,
traditional methods of foods preparation also helps to maintain it’s own
culture. Although, there is an argument that food does not represent for it’s its cultural identity, foods actually show its own identity and characteristic from
other cultures. When people tend to eat convenience foods, tourist cannot find
any interest in a country as well. It can result in imperialism of other
countries to it’s its own culture. <(이 문단도 topic은 traditional cooking method은제 문단 안의 내용은 traditional food인 것 처럼 들립니다)
In conclusion,
it is true that convenience foods are essential in our society to some extent.
However, traditional methods of foods preparation should be maintained. <(because?) Ultimately, government and companies should promote the way to combine
traditional foods and convenience foods into its it’s own style in spite of its’ its own characteristics.
Score: 6 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 주로 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 전체적으로 글 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다
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