▶ Your Answer :
Social media has created a digital dependent culture in all societal levels. The culture has changed significantly since the introduction of social media. In the early stage of the introduction, the impact and the effect of such innovations were poorly understood. Social media influenced and may have shaped human behavior. <Need coherence> For instance, Western culture of online dating website has impacted Asian culture through the internet. Through the internet, individuals can grasp other cultures, especially Western cultures. This influences on other culture spread widely and deliberately or not, it has impacted on other cultures. <(내용이 topic sentence인 소셜 믿어가 어떻가 human behavior를 influenced했거나 shaped했는지 reasoning/support을 해주고 있지는 않습니다. 또한 문단이 소셜 미디어가 digitally dependent culture을 만들었다 라는 주제를 support 해주고 있지는 않습니다) Social media is used in the classroom in the case of research and during the lectures – projectors <(not a social media), youtube or other internet sources. This is same in the corporations. Most of works performed by of companies are heavily dependent on digital materials. <(Need to elaborate more. 또한 하나의 주제가 있는 문단 처럼 보이지 않습니다) Young adults are heavily rely on social media as those are their daily lifestyles. They use social media for their study, socialization, interaction and entertainments. For them, social media is a bedroom culture, where they can engage in the internet for endless time for their own privacy. <(Need to elaborate more) In conclusion, social media has influenced a society heavily to be heavily dependent that on we cannot live without it social media. With all the various purpose of the use in social media, it is a powerful instruments for mobilisation of people
Score: 5.5 Comment: Overall, 질문에 대한 답과 내용이 fair합니다. 다만 내용들의 development가 더 필요합니다. 그 외에는 전체적으로 coherence와 transition에 improvement가 필요합니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |