Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology. In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make? Has this become a positive or negative development? |
In modern Modern society has bought enormous technology development which has significantly changed the types of relationship. Most people use computers for communication as when sending an e-mail to others and use a mobile phone for calling somebody and sending massage to friends who are far away from them. We do not have to meet face to face.
The majority of people think that the technical development has adversary affected to out community. Because not to meet face to face leads that people could not get along with others emotionally. So that the relationship would not be deep and they can not keep in touch others easily. (여기에 대해서, 그리고 전반적인 글의 구조 수정 관해서는 밑에서 말씀드리겠습니다.)
However, I firmly believe that there are the number of advantages. People can whenever, wherever contact their friends or business partners whenever they want and wherever they are which is start-point to the relationships. Modern people can interact with many different kinds of people who even live abroad so that they have knowledge of diverse cultures and languages on the Internet internet. It is important for many people to understand other cultures, politics, economy and the world wide events in gloverisation. The untact technology makes the relationship are sustainable.
The development of technology can have many disadvantages. Nonethless, it is true that it can have more advantages more than negative effects.
총평: (6/5/6/5) 5.5
글의 구조 관련해서 수정이 필요합니다. 기본적으로 논제가 지금과 같이 두 가지를 묻고 있으면, 글을 적을 때에 이 두 질문에 대한 답변을 각각 하나의 본론에 넣어주시면 돼요. 즉, 본론1은 '어떠한 방식으로 영향을 주었는지' 에 대해서, 그리고 본론2는 '이러한 변화는 긍정적이다' 라고 적어주시면 되겠습니다. 그러나 지금은 본론1에 와야할 내용들이 서론에 와있는 등 전반적으로 정돈이 된 상태는 아니므로 수정이 필요하고요.
수고하셨습니다 :)