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The two supplied bar charts delineate the comparison between graduate and postgraduate students in the UK in four different paths after being conferred degrees, excluding full-time work in 2008. By and large, the figures of students who continued their academic courses depict the highest in both charts and that of voluntary work was the lowest. Of the chart of graduates, while nearly 30,000 students decided to study further after graduation, that of voluntary work is almost one-tenth of the figure mentioned above 혹은 기타 다른 표현으로 대체해주시면 됩니다.) that of further study. Students who were employed as part-time workers and not employed show almost the same figure, 17,735 and 16,235 respectively. Moving to the postgraduate students’ employment state, although the similar trend is mirrored in this chart, the number of graduate students is around tenfold as high as that of postgraduate students in total. The figure of further study is the largest, 2,725, whereas that of voluntary work stood at 345, the lowest. It is noteworthy that unlikely the graduates’ chart, postgraduate students who continued their study is closely followed by that of work as part-timers in number with a mere difference; less than 200. Unemployed students in the column stands for 1,625 as the third-highest.
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선생님~ 첨삭 해주신 부분을 토대로 한번 더 작성을 해봤는데
아주 크게 다른 것은 없을지라도 혹시 괜찮으시면 한 번 봐주실수 있을까 싶어서 올려봅니다.
항상 감사드립니다 선생님!
-> 이전 글에 문제가 되었던 부분이(그렇게 큰 문제는 아니었지만) 잘 해결되었네요. 재작성된 글인만큼 틀린 사항은 거의 없었고, 세 번째 문단의 사항의 경우는 굳이 저 표현으로 가지 않더라도 further study자체만 어떻게든 대체되면 상관 없습니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)