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Fast food is popular among children. This is due to the convenience, variety of choices in menu and healthy choices. Some people might worry about the malnutrition substances in fast foods that can result in health problems hazard. However, this can be controllable. <(solution을 물어보는게 아니라 패스트푸드나 convenience snacks를 더 먹게되는지 또한 먹으면 그 consequence가 얼마나 심각한지에 대해 묻고 있습니다)
Since fast food has many malnutrition ingredients, it can damage the health of young children and would change their eating habits. Fast food contains high calories and fats, which increases the risk of cardiovascular diseases. Obesity is also on the rise as a result of growing popularity of fast food. Most fast food restaurants are located anywhere and open 24/7. The more they eat fatty foods, young children will be highly likely to be obese. Cooking the fast food is unhealthy too. By cooking in oil for most of fast food destroys all valuable nutrients to human health. Fast foods replace healthy eating habits. Fast food is rich in fats, salts, artificial substances and oils to attract more young customers. Since these food are stimulative to young children, they are addicted to such a taste and they will no longer seek for healthy foods. <(coherence/unity가 떨어지는 문단입니다. 내용 연결성이 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
These concerns can be outweighed by its advantages. Fast food is convenient, providing a variety of options for food and it includes healthy meals. Firstly, fast food is inexpensive. It is cheaper than home made meals and other healthy restaurant meals. Since the foods are fast served at a cheaper price compared to the traditional restaurants, these types of foods are popular among young children. Thus So that, children can be able to save over an hour of time from ordering to finishing their meals. Second, fast food restaurants provide a variety menu. There is are a wide range of fast food styles giving various cultures for children without exorbitant amount of money spent. Fast food restaurants that offer burgers, chicken and sandwiches are plentiful, but it also offer Chinese, Italian, Mexican and Middle Eastern dishes. Last but not least, there is are an increase in modification of the menu in fast food restaurants to be healthier. Most of fast food restaurants, nowadays, offer some kind of healthy alternatives options in their menus and this can help people to be on a diet <(little unclear). In the case of Subway Restaurant, it provides extensive varieties of healthy ready meals and drinks for individuals to choose from. There will be more fast food restaurants changing their menu to be healthy in the foreseeable future like this Subway Restaurant.)
In conclusion, despite the malnutrition ingredients causing obesity for young children, there is are an increasing number of fast food restaurants including to include health meals in the menu. Therefore, the more people desire healthy fast foods, and the consequence of fast food will not be a serious issue.
Score: 6 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 전체적으로 organization이 조금 더 필요합니다. 한문단에 왜 아이들이 fast food나 convenient snacks를 더 먹는지를 서술을 해주시고 그리고 다른 한문단에 건강에 나쁠 수 있지만 오히려 그렇지 않다 라고 정리를 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 지금은 한문단에는 왜 좋지 않은 consequence가 있는지 그리고 왜 아이들이 fast food을 먹게 되는지 서술을 해주셨고 다른 문단에는 장점은 무엇인지 그리고 장점 때문에 왜 아이들이 fast food을 먹게 되는지 서술을 해주셨습니다. 또한 healthy fast food에 대해서는 다른 장점들과 함께 서술을 해주셖기 때문에 이 것 때문에 consequence가 serious하지 않다 라고 들리고 보다는 그저 장점중에 하나 처럼 들립니다. 그렇기 때문에 글쓴이가 전달하고자 하는 내용이 잘 반영이 안되고 있는 것 같습니다. 또한 내용상 전체적으로 coherence/unity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |