▶ Your Answer :
Due to the
globalisation, travel between countries became becomes easier. <Need better coherence> The number of
migrations increases rapidly every year. These huge migrations can affect
individuals as well as societies. This essay will discuss the advantages and
disadvantages of migration for individuals and for societies individual migration and society migration.
Individuals
migrate to other countries for various reasons; family, work, retirement,
health benefits, and environments. But primarily, they migrate for having
better career opportunities. This will be the same for the career
opportunities. If the local countries are having difficulties to provide
employment opportunities for all citizens, people have to travel to other
countries for their the future career. In the case of British young adults, they leave the
UK and heading to Europe for a the better career can be seen as a great example
for this.
Society will
benefit from individuals migration because society can have a variety of
culture, customs and traditions. The mixture of various backgrounds is vital in
this modernised world, because people will have different approaches to solve
the tasks. Because people would learn the differences in culture and would
understand those differences. <(sentence fragment) In other words, this will make people to be ready
to accept new things and accept for the change.
Despite the
country becoming to become multinational, there may have a negative influence on to
society. Usually, people would bring their own customs when migrating to other
countries. That can raise the issue of
the cultural differences. Furthermore, people may have a stereotype of certain
cultures. This conceptual image would be hard to break. The action, behaviours
and speeches can be seen as the cultural issues not the individual.<(unclear) All these
issues can cause the racism.
Furthermore, the
individual migrations could bring psychological issues. Individuals can suffer
from home sickness, loneliness and depression. <Need better coherence> People may feel comfortable
within their local areas surrounded by familiar environments. <Need better coherence> People would have
to get out of their comfort zone if they migrate to other countries.
In conclusion,
the migration could bring career potentials for individuals with a better
education environment. The more diverse culture the country is, the more people
would understand the differences and try to harmonise with each other. Realistically, this is not possible, because people do not act according to theories. As a
result, individuals may suffer from cultural differences and that would impact
negative influences to society. <(cohesion and 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
Score: 6 Comment: 장/단점을 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 전체적으로 coherence/cohesion에 조금 더 신경을 써주시고 내용 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. Body 내용을 4 문단으로 나누시는 것 보다는 두 문단으로 정리를 하시는 것을 추천합니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 문법 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다! |