Recently, the conservation of animals has become the subject of heated debate. Some people assert that governments as well as the public should not allow animals to disappear, while others argue otherwise. I wholeheartedly agree with the latter stand. In the following essay, both views will be discussed before a conclusion is reached with my opinion.
On the one hand, those who claim that both individuals and society should protect animals do so for several reasons. Proponents of this argument insist that preventing animals from becoming extinct plays an important role in keeping biodiversity that is invaluable. Another argument is that if it were not for saving endangered animals, the original form of food chain and ecosystem would be broken because of the extinction of a myriad of species, which could have a negative impact on humans who are on/at the top of food chains. Given these points, some people hold the view that not only governments but also people should make a concerted effort in order to preserve animals. (사실 지금 문단, 그리도 다른 글들의 본론의 경우도 템플릿을 줄였다면 실질적인 살이 더 붙을 수 있었을 겁니다. 단, 이거는 9점 기준으로 말씀드리는 거에요. 어차피 7.0 미만에서는 그냥 어휘+문법만 좋으면 장땡입니다.)
My opinion, however, is that there are a number of important global issues which more emphasis should be placed on than conserving animals given that preserving them is not directly related to people's daily life. Perhaps the most pressing problem which takes precedence over the protection of animals is global warming because it poses a threat to people's well-being. To be more specific, a large number of citizens across the globe suffer from global warming which even leads to climate change that exerts a detrimental influence on the quality of life. Another grave issue is global hunger since it is directly related (굵은 친구들로 대비를 주시는 구조도 좋습니다.) to the life of humans. As a brief illustration, an article released by Seoul Times illustrates that approximately 18% of people in the world died due to poverty in 2015. In light of the above, I find these more persuasive.
In conclusion, it is undeniable that there are a variety of opinions about this topic. However, after considering this matter in a careful manner, I fully support the view that devoting an astronomical amount of money to animal protection is undesirable for the reasons discussed above.
총평: '9점 기준으로 보자면' 본론에 살이 더 붙으면 좋겠지만, 어차피 9점 아니면 죽어도 안 되는 상황에 있으신 건 아닐테고, 그렇기 때문에 그냥 어휘+문법이 깔끔한 걸로 끝났다고 보시면 됩니다. 태스크1에서의 감점+암기에 따른 감점까지 고려해도 좋은 점수를 받으실 거에요.
수고하셨습니다 :)